By A Thread

When my parents died within six months of each other back in 2000, I was sad that they were gone and ready for them to go all at the same time. People have asked me if I had any regrets when they were gone. Gratefully I don’t. Several years before they passed the three of us were sitting in their kitchen, and I found myself telling them that I would miss them when they were gone. That they had been good parents in so many ways. That I never doubted their love for me. That the memories we shared mattered. That they mattered, and that they would be missed.

Are there other conversations I wish we would have had, could have had? Probably. But I think it is rare that any of us leave the planet without a few loose ends. Ours is the task of leaving as few as possible.

My oldest brother, Peter, died suddenly on January 14th. I wasn’t ready for him to go and was grateful that he didn’t have to linger. He would have hated that. Again, no regrets. To say that he and I sat on opposite ends of the political spectrum would be an understatement, and we had more than our share of animated conversations over the years. To decompress I attempt to meditate. Pete would listen to Rush Limbaugh. He had a heart that was as deep as his political convictions, and would move heaven and earth to help someone in need. On the night of January 6th, after all hell broke loose at the capitol, he called me. “You kind of want to talk to the people you love on a night like this, don’t you?” I said. “That’s why I’m calling you.” he replied in his deep, gravely, cowboy voice. The day had deeply saddened both of us, and we found ourselves standing together on the holy ground of our shared hopes for what this country could be. Should be. It was our last phone call. A few more loose ends tied up.

Every morning, no matter what the weather, Tom and I sit outside in the early morning darkness with our first cup of coffee. Gracie-the-chocolate-labradoodle at our feet, we start our day together on the porch, sitting in old rocking chairs with red cushions on the seat and red and black plaid Woolrich blankets on our laps. One morning not long ago, Gracie and I were out there waiting for him to join us. Out of the corner of my eye I saw his rocking chair. Empty. The red cushion and plaid blanket waiting for him. One of us will go on without the other someday.

We are always just hanging on by a thread. If we think it is otherwise, we are simply fooling ourselves. However, it is that thread that weaves our life together, one breath, one choice, and one moment at a time. And, when all is said and done, ours will be a tapestry of each and every one of those stitched together moments.

Ours is the task of leaving as few loose ends as possible.

Photo by Suzy Hazelwood from Pexels

Photo by Suzy Hazelwood from Pexels

Advent 2020: A Season of Opposites

Advent is a season of anticipation and expectation. My faith tradition marks the four Sundays of Advent by lighting four candles, each symbolizing a different theme. While there are slight variations, four that are quite common among many denominations are hope, peace, joy, and love. This past Sunday we lit the first Advent candle.

If ever we were in need of hope, it is now.

And yet, the pandemic rages on and the race for a vaccine is far from over.

If ever we were in need of peace, it is now.

And yet, the battle for the better angels of our collective nature rages on.

If ever we were in need of joy, it is now.

And yet, the days grow shorter and the nights longer, shrouding our outer world with the same darkness that threatens our inner light.

If ever we were in need of love, it is now.

And yet, we must choose loneliness over love as we cannot gather with those we love the most because we love them the most.

We light an Advent candle to symbolize the hope of better days to come and the despair of how long it might take for them to get here. Both are true.

We light an Advent candle to symbolize the peace that passes all understanding and the battles that make no sense. Both are true.

We light an Advent candle to symbolize joy to world and the sorrow that is engulfing it. Both are true.

We light an Advent candle to symbolize the love that is all around us and the loneliness because those we love are not. Both are true.

Advent 2020 is as much a season of opposites as it is of anticipation. Hope and despair, peace and strife, joy and sorrow, love and loneliness.

We light the candles, because both are true.

(With gratitude to Pastor Laura Robinson)

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Heart Broken

One of the most painful acts of love is to bear witness to the pain of another, love them with all of your might, and not be able to fix, solve, or make better. The most we can do is be present with them in the midst of it all, trusting that that can make all the difference.

It breaks your heart to love that way.

It breaks it wide open, making room for more.

Photo: Paul Blenkhorn on Pexels.com

Photo: Paul Blenkhorn on Pexels.com

What's Love Got To Do With It?

Valentine’s Day can be rough.

It has become a commercially driven day to express our love for that “special someone” in just the right way.

But what if we don’t have a special someone? What if we have lost them in the myriad of painful ways that mean we are no longer able to share our lives with those we’ve loved? Under those circumstances, Valentine’s Day becomes a reminder of what we’ve lost.

But what if we are happily single? What if we are content sharing our heart with no one but ourselves? Under those circumstances Valentine’s Day can cause us to doubt our choice to go it alone as we field questions from total strangers about how we are going to celebrate a day in which being single seems like a problem.

But what if we don’t feel lovable? What if we have lost sight of our inherent worth simply because we are citizens of the planet, created in the image of the power behind it all, and sent here to love the world within our reach? Under those circumstances, Valentine’s Day becomes a reminder of how far we’ve drifted from our source and our soul.

But what if we don’t feel particularly dazzled by the one we love? What if we have found ourselves in one of those rough patches when it is glaringly obvious that love is as much, if not more of, a choice than a feeling? Under those circumstances Valentine’s Day becomes a reminder that love is far more complicated and much grittier than simple sayings on greeting cards and candy hearts.

Whenever money gets involved with love, it gets tricky. By some estimates consumers will spend in excess of $27 billion. That’s a lot of candy hearts.

So, what’s love got to do with it anyway?

When it comes to Valentine’s Day, who knows.

When it comes to life?

Everything.

Photo: pexels.com

Photo: pexels.com

Young Love

If I loved Christmas when I was a youngster, I loved Christmas night most of all. That was when the house grew quiet, the fire got another log, and a new world opened up with the turn of the first page of my new book. Every year that new book was the present I looked forward to more than any other. It fed an early love of the written word, which grew into the love of penning my own. It was then, and is now, a love that asks to be fed, and in feeding it, I am the one who is nourished.

What we come to love in life often shows up in our earliest years. Whatever your is, it is a love that deserves to be fed. Feed it well, and you will be the one who is nourished.

A stack of food for thought-Christmas 2019

A stack of food for thought-Christmas 2019

Christmas Then & Now

When I was a little girl Christmas was one of my favorite times of the year.

It wasn’t so much about the presents under the tree as it was about the gathering together around the tree.

It wasn’t the amazement that Santa could make it down the chimney, although I did think that was pretty cool, but about the fire that blazed in our fireplace all season long.

It wasn’t the call from my dad’s friend Jack Figenson to let me know that Santa and his sleigh just flew over their house and I’d better get to bed, but the certainty I had that magic is as real as anything else.

It wasn’t the nativity scene that we put up every year to recreate that long ago story of the birth of a baby, but that I never once questioned the idea that the Love that set all of creation in motion would want to join us in our humanity.

My childish mind couldn’t imagine that the Love that is behind, and around, and within everyone and everything would want anything other than to live amongst us.

To this day, I can’t imagine anything else.

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Practicing Love

In his latest book (The Great Spiritual Migration: How The World’s Largest Religion Is Seeking A Better Way To Be Christian), Brian McLaren suggests that we need to learn the practical skills necessary to love well, starting with those closest to us. When those skills are practiced at home they can then be put to use out in the world with others.

His is an extensive list, and to my mind, there isn’t one that isn’t worth the effort. And, because the list is so expansive it might feel a little daunting to you as it does to me, so rather than take it all on at once, pick a few that beckon to you. Or maybe better yet, ask those near and dear to you which ones they would love to see you practice, which btw is practicing skills 7, 17, and 18.

  1. Common Courtesies

  2. Gratitude

  3. Admitting Weaknesses & Failures

  4. Self-Reporting Emotions

  5. Expressing Hurt & Disappointment

  6. Confronting & Forgiving

  7. Asking For Help

  8. Differing Graciously

  9. Surfacing & Negotiating Competing Desires

  10. Taking The First Step To Resolve Conflict

  11. Upholding Wise Boundaries

  12. Saying Yes & No

  13. Winning & Losing Graciously

  14. Creating Win-Win Outcomes

  15. Speaking Truth In Love

  16. Speaking Truth To Power

  17. Asking Good Questions

  18. Requesting Feedback

  19. Expressing Affection

  20. Opening One’s Heart

  21. Giving Gifts

  22. Seeking Wise Counsel

What better gift to give to ourselves, and to those we love this holiday season, than to diligently, humbly, and intentionally practice the skills of love. Love is, after all, the gift that keeps on giving.

Photo by Ylanite Koppens from Pexels

25 Years And Counting

August 27, 1994

August 27, 1994

Yesterday we celebrated our 25th anniversary. I never knew love could be this big, or life this good, which is not to say that it has been smooth sailing or easy going. Far from it. It has however been worth every single minute that we’ve spent learning to create the life we share. Like most things, we’ve learned as much by what we got wrong (plenty) as by what we got right (thankfully plenty here as well it seems), and in honor of each of those years, and in no particular order, here is what my geologist and I came up with…

  1. Love by listening.

  2. Assume good intent.

  3. Do your work and expect them to do the same

  4. Don’t do their work for them and don’t expect them to do yours for you.

  5. Play together.

  6. Learn to laugh at yourself and with one another.

  7. Talk about it, no matter what.

  8. Learn to speak one another’s love languages.

  9. Get a therapist.

  10. Create at least one daily ritual that connects you.

  11. Be active together.

  12. Own up to what’s yours in real time.

  13. Go on adventures.

  14. Stay curious.

  15. Be authentic.

  16. Tell the truth even when it’s hard…especially when it’s hard.

  17. Be courageous enough to be vulnerable.

  18. Make your relationship the priority and move out from there.

  19. Have the conversations that you don’t want to have.

  20. Cook together.

  21. Create lives of your own that strengthen the one you share.

  22. Set boundaries that protect your relationship.

  23. Identify and learn about each other’s enneagram numbers - really!

  24. Love generously.

  25. And because it bears repeating…do your work and expect them to do theirs.

I can’t wait to discover what we’ll learn over the next 25…

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It's Good To Be Here

Mimi…It’s good being here.

Those words, spoken this morning, would warm any grandmother’s heart. Especially when they come from a little three-year old grand boy who is staying with us, along with his fifteen month old brother, for a long weekend while his wonderful, weary parents celebrate their anniversary.

It’s a big deal.

They love us. They miss their mom and dad.

They love being with us at our “cabin”.. They miss being with their parents in their own home.

They love their bedtime rituals with us. They miss having their Mama and Dada tuck them in.

Like I said. It’s a big deal. Especially for two little boys away from home for multiple nights.

Mimi…It’s good being here.

All day long I’ve reflected on those words. Why, exactly, is it good being here? It’s probably not too complicated. Even if he can’t yet put words to it yet, I think it’s good being here because here…he feels loved, safe, important, and valued. And it doesn’t hurt that we have a whole lot of fun.

Some things never change.

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What Love Does

Bob Goff wrote a book called Love Does. It’s a great book, and everyone should read it.

The title of his book just about sums it up. Life I mean. Love just plain does stuff. It doesn’t talk about stuff, lecture about stuff, or judge others about their stuff. It just keeps showing up and doing the stuff necessary for the day at hand.

I can’t think of a better question to ask when faced with any decision, big or small than this—What would love do?

And then just go do it.

This is what love did today…

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Gracie wanted to march with us because she knows that’s what love does too…but she’s in heat…so she had to watch from the car.

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