Love Ya, See Ya, Bye.

Bob Henderson was born on April 13, 1944.

He was born to parents who had come through the depression and knew how to work hard and live frugally. Like many in their generation, parenting was probably mostly about keeping young Bob safe, fed, and well behaved, leaving little time or inclination to understand the inner workings of a young boy. An early report card suggested that perhaps he didn’t play well with others, which made total sense. An only child, he didn’t have siblings to play with, fight with, or get into mischief with, and his parents were busy putting food on the table. All of which meant that, from an early age, he learned to depend on and be responsible for himself.

And despite that beginning, my brother-in-law, Bob, has cultivated a life lived in service to others, a heart overflowing with generosity, and a spirit that is as tender as it is strong. His is the first hand to be raised with an offer to help, no matter the task. Often called Big Bucks Bob, although his stash of bucks isn’t limitless, you’d never know it by the way he shares the financial fruits of his labor with those he loves. While he may have a deep conviction to a particular view of an issue, when it comes to the human being in front of him, love wins out every time. Period.

A One on the Enneagram—known as the Improver or the Perfectionist—he looks for ways to better the world around him, starting with himself. As such, he is his own harshest critic, which is why he is daily amazed by the grace he receives from the God that he loves. It is that overwhelming grace that moves him to be the first to apologize, ask for forgiveness, and allow whatever just transpired to help him move forward with more compassion and greater self-awareness. He is an old dog forever committed to learning new tricks.

His love for his family is second only to his love for God. His faith is the bedrock of his life, the light on his path, and the compass by which he steers his trusty ship. At 80 years old, death doesn’t scare him because he knows to whom he belongs. All of that can be summed up in his signature sign off from every phone call: Love ya, see ya, bye.

With those words, when it comes to Bob Henderson, you can rest assured that you are loved, you are seen, and it’s only goodbye for now.

Happy Birthday Bob. Our world and my heart are better because of you.

Love ya, see ya, bye.

Through The Eyes Of Another

A book that has profoundly impacted me and those I love is The Road Back To You: An Enneagram Journey To Self-Discovery by Ian Cron & Suzanne Stabile. I think every person on the planet should read it.

In a very, very small nutshell, and in my own words, it presents an entry level introduction to the Enneagram, an ancient personality typing system that suggests that we each fall into one of nine types. Each type sees the world through a different lens. Understanding the lens through which we see the world, and through which other see the world, can be a game changer.

In the last chapter of the book the authors write about a nurse who works with children who have profound visual impairments. Her work includes leading support groups for the parents of these children. They write: ”…the most valuable part of the workshops comes when Rebecca hands the parents eyeglasses that correlate to each child’s specific disability. Almost always the parents burst into tears. ‘I had no idea this is the way my child sees the world’ they tell her. Once they have the experience of observing through their children’s eyes, they never experience the world in quite the same way again.”

These children and their parents are facing immense and painful challenges. While these are challenges that many of us will never face, it strikes me that we are all visually impaired when it comes to understanding how others see the world. Imagine the difference it might make to look out through the lens of another person, and to experience the world as they experience it. To see what they see, and feel what they feel as a result of how they take in the world around them.

I wish there was a way to create eyeglasses that specifically correlate to the way in which we each see the world, but there isn’t. Which means that the only way to understand one another better is through authentic conversation. It requires a willingness to share honestly and listen deeply, all with the intent of a deeper and more compassionate understanding. If we are willing to look at the world through the eyes of others, we might never experience the world in quite the same way again. And that could be a very good thing.

Photo by Francesco Paggiaro from Pexels

25 Years And Counting

August 27, 1994

Yesterday we celebrated our 25th anniversary. I never knew love could be this big, or life this good, which is not to say that it has been smooth sailing or easy going. Far from it. It has however been worth every single minute that we’ve spent learning to create the life we share. Like most things, we’ve learned as much by what we got wrong (plenty) as by what we got right (thankfully plenty here as well it seems), and in honor of each of those years, and in no particular order, here is what my geologist and I came up with…

1. Love by listening.

2. Assume good intent.

3. Do your work and expect them to do the same

4. Don’t do their work for them and don’t expect them to do yours for you.

5. Play together.

6. Learn to laugh at yourself and with one another.

7. Talk about it, no matter what.

8. Learn to speak one another’s love languages.

9. Get a therapist.

10. Create at least one daily ritual that connects you.

11. Be active together.

12. Own up to what’s yours in real time.

13. Go on adventures.

14. Stay curious.

15. Be authentic.

16. Tell the truth even when it’s hard…especially when it’s hard.

17. Be courageous enough to be vulnerable.

18. Make your relationship the priority and move out from there.

19. Have the conversations that you don’t want to have.

20. Cook together.

21. Create lives of your own that strengthen the one you share.

22. Set boundaries that protect your relationship.

23. Identify and learn about each other’s enneagram numbers - really!

24. Love generously.

25. And because it bears repeating…do your work and expect them to do theirs.

I can’t wait to discover what we’ll learn over the next 25…

Be The Change

We are the most over-informed, under-reflective civilization in human history.

Quote from a conversation with Scott Allender on the Typology podcast hosted by Ian Cron

Let’s change that.