Sisters

There’s just something about a sister.

My one and only sister Margie turns 73 today, and it’s safe to say that I can’t imagine walking the planet without her. She’s been in my corner from day one. Literally. When I was born prematurely, and it was uncertain that I would survive, she got on her little 8 year-old knees and prayed that I would stick around, and she’s stuck with me ever since.

We couldn’t be more different - her style is fancy, mine is simple; I tend to swear, she tries not to; I love to push myself when I exercise, she has to push herself to exercise in the first place; she’s a republican, ummmm...I’m not.

Different though we may be, we couldn’t be closer, more committed or connected, and her influence has profoundly shaped my life in so many ways.

Because of her, my faith is central to who I am and what I stand for. 

Because of her, I’ve learned to make friends with the truth, no matter how inconvenient. 

Because of her, I understand the importance of creating margins in my life.

Because of her, I am (slowly) learning to laugh at myself and my many foibles.

Because of her, I set the table the day before the party. 

Because of her, my daughters have a place other than me to go to for wisdom and insight.

Because of her, I know what it is to have a safe place to tell the truth.

Because of her, I know that laughter is some of the best good medicine. 

And, because of her, I know what it is like to have someone walk by my side, come what may.

Happy Birthday M. 

Our world and my heart are better because of you. 

Hanging The Antlers

Today is the fourth Sunday in Advent, ushering in the theme of Love, which, as it turns out, can show up in the most unlikely places.

Last summer my brother Peter gave me a fabulous set of elk antlers from one of his annual hunting trips to Montana. I’ve wanted a set for the cabin for years, and now that I had them, I knew exactly where I wanted to hang them. There was no other place for them to go but up above our fireplace, over the mantle in the middle of the rock covered chimney. It was a placement that would make Ralph Lauren and Joanna Gaines swoon.

I asked Tom if he would be able to hang them there, and he said that he thought he could.

Perfect.

I began to imagine those long desired antlers in their new home, with a fire blazing and candles glowing on the mantle.

A couple of months passed and the antlers hung out in our laundry room. I knew my husband had a lot on his plate, so wasn’t worried that they wouldn’t eventually find their way onto the rock. It never occurred to me that Tom might have a different opinion. Until one Sunday morning over coffee when I asked him if he thought he could get them up that day. After a long pause, he finally told me he didn’t like the spot I had chosen, and he didn’t want to hang them there. What? He’d never shared that with me in all the conversations we’d had about the antlers. I was frustrated and mad, especially since I’d spent so much time imagining them up there, and I wasn’t going to give up the fight easily. Neither however, was he. He suggested some of the areas he’d thought of, none of which (of course) were acceptable to me. We were at loggerheads, and the antlers were still in the laundry room.

Somewhere along the way I remembered a therapist we’d worked with, and here’s what she would have had to say. I don’t care about the antlers or where you hang them. Hang them anywhere you want. Upside down in the bathroom, over your bed, on the rock fireplace, or inside your closet. What I do care about, is once those antlers are up, are you two better as a couple or not? Do you understand and respect one another more, or not. Are you closer and more intimately connected, or not?

It’s not about the antlers.

As much as I didn’t want to admit it, our relationship was more important than those silly antlers. Once we each let go of having to have it our way, we found an even better (of course) spot for the antlers. Tom hung them today, and I love them right where they are. We both do.

When it comes to love, it’s not about the antlers.

Sacred Texts

There’s a lot of talk about how much technology is getting in the way of real human-to-human connection, and In some cases, I couldn’t agree more. Text instead of talk, email instead of engage, emojis instead of actual emotions.

Technology greases the skids to taking the easy way out, and can be a way to hide behind the screen and avoid having the real conversation. You know the one. The one that’s asking you to have it. My own personal rule when considering sending a text or email to communicate something important, controversial, risky, or vulnerable is the following: Am I willing to look the person in the eye, or pick up the phone, and say exactly what I am about to say in this email or text? If the answer is “No.”, then I shouldn’t push that tempting little ‘send’ button. It doesn’t mean that it isn’t a conversation worth having. It probably means it’s important enough to actually have it.

All that being said, technology can foster human connection in ways never before possible. In my world there are text streams that go on between all manner of family members and friends, and that have in fact become sacred, safe spaces to share the real stuff of life. Sometimes hilarious and at other times raw and real, with the push of a button physical distance evaporates, human connection materializing in its place.

There are times when all we have the time or emotional capital for is a text, and that little ding signaling the arrival of a new message becomes a lifeline that says someone out there cares.

Some sacred texts are written on ancient scrolls.

Others with new fangled technology.

CONFLICT - Extra! Extra! Read All About It!

“In conflict, be fair and generous.”

~Lao Tzu

Early in our marriage we were heading out for a family road trip. It always takes more than you think to get out of town, but the suburban was finally packed, the kids were in the car, and I was itching to get on the road. Just as we reached the top of our driveway, Tom noticed that we hadn’t brought in the daily newspaper and wanted to stop and get it. I wanted him to keep driving and forget it. The situation quickly devolved into a stand-off, with us arguing in the front seat. It was a great start to our vacation.

Finally, I got out and picked up the paper and headed back to the car. Looking at Tom through the window, I noticed that he had a satisfied smile on his face, like he thought he’d won. So I did an about face and hucked the paper for all I was worth into the hedge. I guess I showed him.

It was a quiet car ride for awhile, which gave me time to notice that his ears could actually turn red. We continued to stick to our own guns for the better part of the day, and as I remember, it was one of our first real fights.

Over a newspaper.

Of course that wasn’t really what it was about. Conflicts are rarely about “the thing, but about something deeper. Whether it’s a desire to be heard, understood, respected, seen, protected, acknowledged, or needing even a tiny sense of control, conflict boils down to more than winning or losing. Or at least it could.

Fast forward 10 years after the driveway showdown. My sister and I were  at the Oregon Coast with our daughters for our annual beach trip. The six girls ranged in age from 18-23, and this particular morning we were gathered around a table at Sleepy Monk (best coffee on the planet). A middle aged couple standing in line next to our table engaged us in conversation. As it turned out, he was a marriage and family therapist, and as we all chatted he learned that one of my nieces was engaged to be married that spring. This launched us all into a conversation about relationships and marriage. Because we were talking about relationships and marriage, the topic of conflict came up. Go figure. At any rate, he got very quiet, then he looked around the table and asked Girls, do you know what the purpose of conflict is? I can’t remember what they said, but I’ve never forgotten his answer

The purpose of conflict is connection.

If you are still reading this, I want you to find pen and paper and write those words down. Right now. Really.

The purpose of conflict is connection.

Now look at those words. Think about them. It isn’t a stretch to say that we’ve all of had an experience of conflict that produced anything but connection, and most of us don’t wake up in the morning and say, Gee. I hope I have a conflict today. Most of us don’t go looking for one. Most of us would prefer not to have one. Some of us will do almost anything to avoid one.

If you are still with me, I want you to pick up the pen again, this time in your non-dominant hand. The one you don’t write with, and write those same words down. Right now. Really.

The purpose of conflict is connection.

If you’re still with me, my guess is that it took you longer to write it that time. It might be kind of messy. Hard to read. Look kind of like when you first learned to write as a kid. It was probably very uncomfortable, awkward, and even a little painful. All of which sounds a whole lot like how conflict feels.

If you’re still with me, I know that you will always prefer to write with your dominant hand, but imagine if you were to write those same words, with your non-writing hand, ten times a day, every day for a month. You’d get better at it, and it would become a skill that would serve you when you needed it.

All of this to say, that the only way to get better at conflict is to practice it.

Now I’m not saying go out and rustle up some conflict so that you can practice. But, the next time something comes up, and it will, where you could step into the messy, uncomfortable, awkward, and maybe painful conversation, go ahead and dip your toe into the conflict waters. And do it with the intention, not of winning, or being right, or getting it over with, but with the intention of creating  a little more connection. Take the high road and listen deeply. Take the conversation seriously and yourself lightly. Seek to understand and then to be understood. Listen with the kind of genuine attention that you would like to be given. Speak as you would like to be spoken to. Remember to breathe. Be willing to hold on to your convictions and let go of your assumptions. Be authentic, vulnerable, brave and curious.

Conflict happens, and when it does, if we call on the very best of ourselves, connection happens too.

Hucking a newspaper into a hedge doesn’t really help. Although it’s really fun to see if you can make your husbands ears turn red.

ATG Phtography

Silent Witness

"Pooh!" he whispered. 

"Yes, Piglet?" 

"Nothing," said Piglet, taking Pooh's paw. "I just wanted to be sure of you."

~ Winnie the Pooh

Everything happens for a reason.

Absolutely.

Everything happens for a reason.

Whatever happens in our life is a result of something.

Everything happens for a reason.

Whatever happens isn’t being done to us to teach us a lesson.

Everything happens for a reason.

We learn through our response to whatever happens.

Everything happens for a reason.

A little collection of words so often and so lightly thrown out there when something painful, difficult, or unwanted occurs. Simple words that try and make sense of something that can’t yet be understood, and maybe never will be.

Everything happens for a reason.

And when it does, our silent witness can be more powerful than spoken words, and our companionship more comforting than cliches.

However cliche is may sound, actions usually do speak louder than words.

Home

"I long, as does every human being, to be at home wherever I find myself."

~ Maya Angelou

Are you home???

A friend just asked me this question in an email. He was inquiring to see if we had returned from a three week trip to Germany and Denmark. After a long flight on an airline (that we will never fly again), a Lyft ride to our car and another couple of hours driving, we dragged our weary selves into our house last night. We'd been awake for more than 30 hours and were finally able to crawl into our own bed. We were home. And it felt to good to be there.

But just what is home?

Home is the place where I live, In which case, the answer to my friend’s question is that I am indeed home. And it feels so good to be here.

Home is the love I share with Tom. While we were traveling, staying in hotels, inns, flats, and houses, none of which were ours, when we would crawl into yet another bed and turn out the light, I was home. Whether walking down unknown streets in faraway cities, or jumping on another bus or train to a new destination, surrounded by languages that were not mine, with my husband of almost 25 years by my side, I was home. And it felt so good to be there.

Home is the people with whom I choose to share life. Those relationships in which, together, we have built a place where it is safe to show up as ourselves, no matter what. Whether I am with those people in person or in spirit, with them I am home. And it feels so good to be there.

Home is me. When it comes right down to it, my most basic dwelling place is my own heart, soul, and skin. Whenever I show up, if I show up as my authentic self, I am home. And it feels so good to be there.

Are you home???

Yes. I am indeed home.

In fact, I never left. And if feels so good to be there.

With thanks to David Berry, who always knows the question to ask.

Heads AND Tails

 “Always remember, your focus determines your reality.” ~ George Lucas

Yesterday we headed out to Zugspitze, the highest mountain in Germany. From the top we would be able to see mountains in four countries: Germany, Austria, Switzerland, and Italy. The day got off to a rocky start, as Tom was laser focused on the details of getting us from here to there, while I was all about the experience between here and there. He wanted to make sure we got where we were going. I wanted to make sure we got the most out of getting there. 

That happens to us a lot. 

The best example of that yesterday happened smack dab in the middle of the Munich Hauptbanhof (train station). Purchasing our tickets was a lot like standing in line at the DMV. We arrived, took a number, and waited. While we waited, I studied the people. Tom studied the map.

That happens to us a lot. 

Finally, tickets in hand, with about 12 minutes to spare, we headed for track number 29. Tom dashed ahead, laser focused on getting us from here to there, I was a few steps behind, taking in what was going on between here and there. Just in time, I grabbed him by the shirttails. “Look at that!” I said, pointing straight in front of me.  “Look at what?” Tom said, staring blankly toward where my arm was pointing. “That! Right there!” I said. “What?! Where?!” he said. “That!” I said. “Oh!”, he said.

That happens to us a lot. “

One more step and he would have walked right into the middle of a marriage proposal. Literally. A determined looking young man, down on one knee, ring box in hand, looking hopefully at a delighted looking young woman, hand over her mouth, in tears. Sometimes love looks the same in any language.  

Tom would have missed it if I hadn’t stopped him. We would have missed our train if he hadn’t stopped to figure out where we were going.

That happens to us a lot  

We are two sides of the same coin. 

Heads? We make it from here to there.

Tails? We make the most out of getting there.

It takes both sides of the coin to cash in on life. 

Remembering Our Affection For One Another

"But, we have always had so much more in common with each other than in disagreement."

Senator John McCain

Recently, during a conversation about our deeply divided country, and the concern we share for its future, a friend said something I haven't been able to forget: 

"We need to remember our affection for one another."

Those words resonated deeply, and they continue to reverberate in my heart like an echo off of the walls of a deep canyon. They ring as words of a distant truth that we once knew, but are in danger of forgetting.

"We need to remember our affection for one another."

As citizens, it seems we are increasingly choosing to stand on opposite sides of a deep canyon, shouting across the widening chasm at one another. I wonder, if we stopped shouting, and bent our ears to the canyon edge, might we hear the distant echos of our shared affection for one another? 

"We need to remember our affection for one another."

While I never voted for him, and I often disagreed with his perspectives, I've always felt a deep respect for Senator John McCain. I felt a kinship with him as a fellow American, and I am saddened that his fierce spirt has left the earth. But I imagine if I were to bend my ear close to the edge of the canyon, I would hear his words ringing back...

"My fellow Americans, we need to remember our affection for one another."

I offer this post in honor of and in gratitude for Senator John McCain, and am humbled and inspired by his final words below. 

A final statement from Sen. John McCain, who died Saturday at 81, read by his spokesman Rick Davis:

"My fellow Americans, whom I have gratefully served for 60 years, and especially my fellow Arizonians, thank you for the privilege of serving you and for the rewarding life that service in uniform and in public office has allowed me to lead. I've tried to serve our country honorably. I've made mistakes, but I hope my love for America will be weighed favorably against them. I've often observed that I am the luckiest person on Earth. I feel that way even now as I prepare for the end of my life. I've loved my life, all of it. 

I've had experiences, adventures, friendships enough for ten satisfying lives and I am so thankful. Like most people, I have regrets but I would not trade a day of my life in good or bad times for the best day of anybody else's. I owe the satisfaction to the love of my family. One man has never had a more loving wife or children he was prouder of than I am of mine. And I owe it to America to be connected with America's causes, liberty, equal justice, respect for the dignity of all people brings happiness more sublime that life's fleeting pleasures. Our identities and sense of worth are not circumscribed but are enlarged by serving good causes bigger than ourselves. 

Fellow Americans, that association has meant more to me than any other. I lived and died a proud American. We are citizens of the world's greatest republic. A nation of ideals, not blood and soil. We are blessed and a blessing to humanity when we uphold and advance those ideals at home and in the world. We have helped liberate more people from tyranny and poverty than ever before in history. We have acquired great wealth and power in the progress. We weaken our greatness when we confuse our patriotism with rivalries that have sown resentment and hatred and violence in all the corners of the globe. We weaken it when we hide behind walls rather than tear them down, when we doubt the power of our ideals rather than trust them to be the great force for change they have always been. We are 325 million opinionated, vociferous individuals. We argue and compete and sometimes even vilify each other in our raucous public debates. 

But, we have always had so much more in common with each other than in disagreement. If only we remember that and give each other the benefit of the presumption that we all love our country, we'll get through these challenging times. We will come through them stronger than before. We always do. Ten years ago, I had the privilege to concede defeat in the election for president. I want to end my farewell to you with heartfelt faith in Americans that I felt so powerfully that evening. I feel it powerfully still. Do not despair of our present difficulties, we believe always in the promise and greatness of America because nothing is inevitable here. Americans never quit, we never surrender, we never hide from history, we make history. Farewell fellow Americans. God bless you and god bless America." 

POLITICO

"We need to remember our affection for one another."

To The Mountaintop

Photo by Tom Pierson

"Well, I don't know what will happen now. We've got some difficult days ahead. But it really doesn't matter with me now, because I've been to the mountaintop." 

                                                                           - Martin Luther King

None of us knows what will happen now, and the days ahead will be difficult. And the promises of democracy are now ours to make real. 

None of us knows what will happen now, and the days ahead will be difficult. And the beloved community is now ours to make real.

None of us knows what will happen now, and the days ahead will be difficult. And the dream is now ours to make real

To the mountaintop. 

All of us.

Together.

Martin Luther King Jr. - I Have A Dream Speech

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Holding Space

Recently a friend asked me to "hold space" for him. Life is bubbling up some big shit and he is working to make sense of it all. That sounded more than vaguely familiar to me, so when the request came to hold space, I agreed to doing so without hesitation. And, I asked for him to do the same for me. We have committed to being present to one another in an intentional way, so that we might each find ourselves more able to do the work that is ours to do. No one can do our work for us. Our questions are our own to live. But there is something good that happens when we live them together. Going it together reminds us that we are not alone in our efforts to make sense of things. 

Holding space for someone is part of what it means to be in relationship with those we care about. But what does it really mean to "hold space" for someone? My friend wasn't asking me for my advice, to share my ideas, or give him some thoughts on the matter. He was asking that space be held, by me, for him, to do what he had to do. Since I believe that the words we use matter, I decided to start with the dictionary. Space, among other things, is defined as a continuous expanse that is free, available and unoccupied. Each element gives insight into what it might mean to hold space for another human being.

A CONTINUOUS EXPANSE: We need room to do our inner work, because such an endeavor requires that we take things apart, spread them out, identify what we have to work with, what we are missing, and what is no longer useful. Then, and only then can we figure out how to put things back together in a new and more wholehearted way.

A space that is FREE: Any craftsman will tell you that clutter gets in the way of doing good work. There is no better work than crafting inner lives that connect who we are with what we do and how we do it, A clean workspace is one that is free of judgements, advice, instruction and criticism. 

A space that is AVAILABLE: Insight and understanding, exploration and discovery, all have their own timetable...they don't usually show up on demand. Available space is room that is ours for the taking. It is at our disposal and is space to which we have total access anytime of the day or night. 

A space that is UNOCCUPIED: No one else lives there. It is ours to inhabit. If someone else joins us there it is because we have invited them in. 

To hold space means to offer a continuous expanse that is free, available and unoccupied. It can be mental, emotional, spiritual, and sometimes even physical space within which to do the good, hard, and sacred work of becoming more fully ourselves.

To  hold space means to walk alongside, and to listen deeply.

To hold space means to offer support without conditions, and to ask questions without providing answers. 

To hold space means to create a framework within which to feel safe enough to fail and courageous enough to risk.

Space held communicates that we are seen and heard. It reminds us that we are not alone and that there is someone standing with us and believing in us. Holding space means we are available rather than intrusive, supportive rather than directive, and respectful rather than judgmental.

Holding space for one another is how we are able to find our way forward in the life that is ours.