Life In The Motherhood

It doesn’t matter if she is a stay-at-home mom, a mom who works outside of the home, a mom who works from an office in her home, a single mom, or a partnered mom. Life in the motherhood is a beast. A beauty of a beast perhaps, but a beast nonetheless.

Every mom I know reaches the end of her rope more often than she would like. And then feels guilty and ashamed about how she did or didn’t handle whatever it was that happened. Falling into bed on those nights, she knows that there are no do-overs for the day behind her, only the chance to do it differently tomorrow.

Every mom I know is tired to the core, and wonders if there will ever come a day when she isn’t exhausted.

Every mom I know cares deeply about being a really good mom, and yet wonders deep down inside if she will ever be good enough.

Every mom I know, more often than not, puts the needs of her children, and others for that matter, above her own.

Every mom I know has moments of feeling alone and isolated.

Every mom I know loves being a mom and has moments when she hates being a mom, and sometimes both at the same time.

Every mom I know can’t wait until she haas more time to herself even as she senses that time is flying by too fast.

Every mom I know is clear that she needs to make her own health and well-being a priority, and yet struggles to find the energy and resources to do so.

If I could, I would make universal childcare a reality starting today, along with affordable and easily accessible healthcare (including mental healthcare), early childhood education, quality public education, living wages, affordable nutritious food, and sensible gun control. I’d remove the politicians who don’t support those things, and replace them with those who do. I would if I could, but I can’t.

So.

Why am I writing about this? I’m not exactly sure except to say that I feel compelled to name the truth of what I see. To proclaim to all of the moms I know, and all of the ones I don’t, that I see you. I hear you, care about you, and am deeply grateful for all that you are doing to raise the next generation of humans. I will listen to you without offering easy words of advice. I will be a place where you can scream, cry, vent, rage, and swear, and will share my thoughts if asked and work hard to keep them to myself if not.

It has always taken a village to raise a child, but the village is harder to come by these days. Let’s be their village.

Hypothetically Of Course

It’s been a rough couple of years. People are talking about it, posting about it, writing, speaking, and ruminating about it. We may be beginning to emerge from the pandemic, but there is no getting back to the way things were. Those days are gone, which probably isn’t such a bad thing. It’s just that we’re not quite sure who we are anymore. It’s like we’ve been tossed out of the spin cycle without getting rinsed off. All of the residue from these last two years is still on us, and we don’t know what to do with it. So rather than taking the time to clean up our own acts, sometimes we take out our pent up frustrations and persistent fears on others. The chatbot who can’t seem to understand our question, the CS representative who finally answers the phone after we’ve been waiting on hold for two hours, the service provider who informs us that the supplies we need are on backorder, the driver who won’t move out of the fast lane, those holding differing political views than we do, and the person on the other end of the line who, through no fault of their own, cannot, as much as they would like to, give us the answer we want. And then of course, there are always those closer at hand, like, say, the people we love and maybe live with, that get in the line of our not-so-friendly fire.

At least I can, hypothetically of course, find myself in at least one of those scenarios. Can’t you?

But the more I think about it, this doesn’t seem like a new thing. It’s just that the last couple of years have put a finer point on a blunt fact. Whatever we don’t clean up in our own life spills out onto the lives of others. From complete strangers to those nearest and dearest, our unhealed wounds, old stories, undealt with stuff, and unhealthy patterns make their marks on the world around us.

At least I can, hypothetically of course, find myself in at least one of those scenarios. Can’t you?

Now, if we could be our best selves on own, we would. If we could heal our own wounds, we would. If we could write new stories, unravel the tangled webs of our past, or develop healthy patterns on our own, we would. I just know that I’ve never been able to do it without help. I’ve needed the support of trained professionals, as well as those trusted few who allow me to show up as my messiest, messed up self, and who love me enough to listen, and listen, and listen some more. And then to tell me the truth, no matter how inconvenient.

It’s a lifelong process, this becoming our best self. The sooner we begin the better, and, it’s never too late to start. Imagine being able to chuckle at our “conversation” with the chatbot, be grateful when our call is finally the next in line, recognize that getting supply and demand back on track will take awhile, take a deep breath and go around the slow car in the fast lane, become curious rather than critical about the political views of others, understand that the person who can’t give us the answer we want probably wishes that they could, and, treat the people we love and live with from the very best of ourselves.

At least I can, hypothetically of course, imagine myself in at least one of those scenarios. Can’t you?

The Question Of Help

Most people genuinely want to help others. We love to lend a hand, step in and provide assistance, give support, and do what we can to ease the burdens of others. Not just nice lyrics in a classic song, we really do get by better with a little help from our friends - and family - and sometimes complete strangers for that matter.

However.

There can be a fine line between helping and hindering. When we are too quick to step in and help, we risk hindering someone’s chance to step up. When we automatically react to someone’s hardship, there is a good chance they won’t reflect on what’s actually necessary to address the underlying need.

Sometimes helping out means holding back.

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Holding Space

Recently a friend asked me to "hold space" for him. Life is bubbling up some big shit and he is working to make sense of it all. That sounded more than vaguely familiar to me, so when the request came to hold space, I agreed to doing so without hesitation. And, I asked for him to do the same for me. We have committed to being present to one another in an intentional way, so that we might each find ourselves more able to do the work that is ours to do. No one can do our work for us. Our questions are our own to live. But there is something good that happens when we live them together. Going it together reminds us that we are not alone in our efforts to make sense of things. 

Holding space for someone is part of what it means to be in relationship with those we care about. But what does it really mean to "hold space" for someone? My friend wasn't asking me for my advice, to share my ideas, or give him some thoughts on the matter. He was asking that space be held, by me, for him, to do what he had to do. Since I believe that the words we use matter, I decided to start with the dictionary. Space, among other things, is defined as a continuous expanse that is free, available and unoccupied. Each element gives insight into what it might mean to hold space for another human being.

A CONTINUOUS EXPANSE: We need room to do our inner work, because such an endeavor requires that we take things apart, spread them out, identify what we have to work with, what we are missing, and what is no longer useful. Then, and only then can we figure out how to put things back together in a new and more wholehearted way.

A space that is FREE: Any craftsman will tell you that clutter gets in the way of doing good work. There is no better work than crafting inner lives that connect who we are with what we do and how we do it, A clean workspace is one that is free of judgements, advice, instruction and criticism. 

A space that is AVAILABLE: Insight and understanding, exploration and discovery, all have their own timetable...they don't usually show up on demand. Available space is room that is ours for the taking. It is at our disposal and is space to which we have total access anytime of the day or night. 

A space that is UNOCCUPIED: No one else lives there. It is ours to inhabit. If someone else joins us there it is because we have invited them in. 

To hold space means to offer a continuous expanse that is free, available and unoccupied. It can be mental, emotional, spiritual, and sometimes even physical space within which to do the good, hard, and sacred work of becoming more fully ourselves.

To  hold space means to walk alongside, and to listen deeply.

To hold space means to offer support without conditions, and to ask questions without providing answers. 

To hold space means to create a framework within which to feel safe enough to fail and courageous enough to risk.

Space held communicates that we are seen and heard. It reminds us that we are not alone and that there is someone standing with us and believing in us. Holding space means we are available rather than intrusive, supportive rather than directive, and respectful rather than judgmental.

Holding space for one another is how we are able to find our way forward in the life that is ours.