Putting It Into Words

It feels good for 2019 to be in the rearview mirror. At least it does to me, and so it seems, to most of the people I know. Yes, there were many moments of joy, causes for celebration, and plenty of love and grace to go around, but there was just something about last year that called upon us to dig deeper than we sometimes thought we could.

It was a year that left us ready to begin again.

There is no doubt that this new year will once again call upon us to dig deep, to endure, and to show up, again, and again, and again. Rather than a list of things to do better, I find myself searching for the words with which to travel through this year.

Words that will serve as touchstones for my choices big and small, day in and day out.

Words that describe who I want to be and how I want to show up in the world.

Words like this…

Making Peace With It

We all have something we wish we could control, but can’t.

We all have something we wish we could fix, but can’t.

We all have something we wish we could change, but can’t.

Whatever it is, it is time to make peace with it.

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Is This The ______________ That I Want?

Tom and I had been married about eight years when he spent a couple of weeks teaching at a remote retreat center in the North Cascades, while I stayed home minding the fort. During those two weeks it became clear to me that there was no question that I wanted to be married to Tom. However, that wasn’t the real question. The real question was—Is the marriage we have the one that I want?

It wasn’t.

Those aren’t thoughts one can keep to oneself if one wants things to change.

After he returned we were out running errands one day, and stopped at a Starbucks. I can still see the table where we were sitting out on the sidewalk. I’m sure he was expecting just a nice catch-up visit, so when I quietly told him I wanted to talk about our marriage, a deer in the headlights about sums up his initial reaction. Thankfully, unlike a deer he didn’t disappear into the woods, but leaned forward, and leaned in. That conversation, over lattes, on a sidewalk outside of Starbucks is the conversation that changed the trajectory of our marriage.

Together we began to give voice to what was working, and what was not. We needed plenty of help along the way from therapists who could help us navigate all of the issues that could derail us if we let them. After 25 years together, we still hit brick walls and have to talk about scary things. On any given day, we work hard to bring the best of what we have to each other, with varying degrees of success, but always with the commitment of building the kind of relationship and life we want. Our conversation over coffee that started all those years ago is one that we will probably be having for the rest of our lives. At least it should be if we want to keep building the marriage we want.

The changes in our marriage all started with a hard question, as most hard changes do, and, it is a hard question that can help any of us get to the heart of any matter that matters to us.

Is this the…relationship, parenting approach, community, fitness level, body, friendship, career path, communication pattern, story emotional health, financial reality, team culture, family dynamic, belief system, outcome, home-life, fill-in-your-own-blank…that I want?

If the answer is yes, then we keep on keeping on.

If the answer is no, maybe today is the day to figure out what it is we do want and how to go about getting it.

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Young Love

If I loved Christmas when I was a youngster, I loved Christmas night most of all. That was when the house grew quiet, the fire got another log, and a new world opened up with the turn of the first page of my new book. Every year that new book was the present I looked forward to more than any other. It fed an early love of the written word, which grew into the love of penning my own. It was then, and is now, a love that asks to be fed, and in feeding it, I am the one who is nourished.

What we come to love in life often shows up in our earliest years. Whatever your is, it is a love that deserves to be fed. Feed it well, and you will be the one who is nourished.

A stack of food for thought-Christmas 2019

Unnoticed Resources

One of my favorite exercises when working with teams involves a can of Tinkertoys. At the end of the activity, in which each team has been given a can of these wooden toys with which to complete an assigned task, we debrief the lessons learned. While there are many that come out of it, my favorite is the discovery of unnoticed resources that are close at hand but rarely used. Resources that are so close and so familiar that we lose sight of their value. This insight certainly applies to the workplace, but it applies everywhere else as well.

One such resource is right outside our door back door, and it is our gravel road. The obvious purpose of the road is access to and from our home. But that ordinary gravel road has so much more hidden value than merely a way to come and go.

On that gravel road, new friendships have been born and old ones renewed.On that gravel road, old wounds have been uncovered so that reconciliation could occur.

On that gravel road, many a writer’s block has been removed.

On that gravel road, thoughts are cleared, problems resolved, questions answered, and the frustration of a Seahawks loss fades away (almost).

On that gravel road, thresholds have been crossed and lives changed. (Hello BLUSH: Women & Wine-page 6)

On that gravel road, a dog takes her humans for a daily walk.

On that gravel road, the courage is found to ask for help.

On that gravel road, it becomes safe to have courageous conversations and to ponder scary questions.

On that gravel road, bodies are moved, hearts are strengthened, and lungs are filled with clear, mountain air.

And, on that gravel road, marriages are strengthened, children loved, babies held, and life is shared.

If an ordinary gravel road, right outside our door can provide so much value, how many other unnoticed resources are close at hand just waiting to be discovered?

Self-Imposed

How do we determine what needs to be done, how it needs to be done, and when it must be done?

It’s true that we all make commitments that we need to follow through on like it or not, and, there are deadlines that are unmovable and non-negotiable.

But.

What about those deadlines we create for ourselves even though no one else is waiting for us to hold fast to our self-imposed timing? Or the self-inflicted expectations that others don’t care about, or for that matter, even know about? What about them?

Do we really have to get our holiday cards in the mail before Christmas? Or even send any this year?

Is anyone else actually expecting us to make the perfect holiday dinner that we’ve always had,? And if they are, maybe that’s not on us.

Do we actually need to get “just one more gift” for ___________?

Is it imperative that we take on that home-improvement project in January?

Is it critical that we take on three new clients right now?

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not advocating being a flake, or neglecting to practice good planning, goal setting, and time stewardship practices. Nor am I suggesting that there aren’t important ways in which we want to diligently spend our time and energy. What I am pondering, and maybe you would like to ponder along with me, is the cost to us and those around us when we cling to our notions of what needs to be done, exactly how it must be done, and when it has to be completed?

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Time-Frame

A recurring thought as I look ahead to a new year is that it not get away from me before it even starts. It is so very easy to allow my days to be in charge of me rather than me of them. There is a distinct difference between being in charge of, and being in control of. In charge implies that I’ve built a framework within which life can organically play out, making room for both the planned and the unexpected. Control on the other hand, suggests attempting to desperately hold on to all the moving parts. Of which there are too many to count.

Having had the unexpected privilege of building a custom home, I was able to observe first hand the process of framing the house. This wooden framework is later hidden behind the walls within which we live and work and play, but it is what makes all that living and working and playing possible. It creates the shelter within which we live. It defines the different rooms and areas we inhabit, and creates a kind of order within even the most chaotic of days can occur.

Our time can be likened to a kind of home as well. It is the shelter within which we live, and to hold up to all that life brings our way, it too is in need of a solid framework. One that creates and defines distinct spaces for who and what we care about. A structure that both protects us from taking on too much, and enables us to love, help, and heal the world that is within our reach. Which, I believe, is why any of us are on the planet in the first place.

Putting such a framework in place doesn’t happen by chance. First and foremost, it requires our intention. How do we intend to spend our days? What gifts do we intend to offer to the world? What and who matter to us, and based on that, what impact do we intend to make and how will we do that?

Along with intention, creating our framework requires our attention, not only to details, but to the bigger picture as well. How can we bring our attention to who and what are right before us, and yet not lose sight of the larger view? How can we commit ourselves to what is ours to do, and refrain from jumping in to what is not?

As Annie Dillard reminds us, How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives. The timeframe of our lives is unknown to us, which is all the more reason to build a solid framework within which to live whatever time we have.



Ready For Christmas?

In every checkout line, on every phone call, in every meeting, and everywhere in between, there seems to be one question on everybody’s mind.

Are you ready for Christmas?

What does that even mean?

Are you ready for Christmas?

The answer usually involves deep breaths and a palpable sense of being behind on whatever it is we think it means to be ready for a holiday we’ve known about for the last 364 days, but that sneaks up on us anyway.

Are you ready for Christmas?

In my faith tradition, to be ready for Christmas is about watching and waiting. It is about entering into a time of darkness as we wait for the light to appear. It is about Love arriving in our midst in the most unlikely and humble of circumstances.

Are you ready for Christmas?

Christmas isn’t about doing things to be ready. It is about readying our hearts for what is to come.

Thought Partners

We all need good thought partners. Those trusted others who provide us with a safe place to process our thoughts and feelings without judgement, and who can provide a perspective other than our own. While they may offer words of encouragement, caution, or affirmation, the most important service they render is their attention, which is what makes it possible for us to find our own way forward.

Photo: Pexels

The Elliptical

Stepping onto the elliptical this morning to program it for my workout, the first information to be entered was the user’s age. Since the user was me, that meant pushing the up-arrow until it hit 66. While advancing the number, I was momentarily distracted by a message coming in on my phone. When I looked back at the display it had bypassed my age, landing me at 77 years old. I quickly pushed the down-arrow to input the correct age, but looking at a number that won’t be mine for another 11 years shook me.

It happened in a flash.

It happened in the blink of an eye.

It happened because I wasn’t present to what was in front of me. Which is exactly what will happen in real life if I don’t choose to be present to the here and now.

The up-arrow is advancing and while we may not be able to stop it, we can choose to stay with it every step of the way.