Self-Imposed

How do we determine what needs to be done, how it needs to be done, and when it must be done?

It’s true that we all make commitments that we need to follow through on like it or not, and, there are deadlines that are unmovable and non-negotiable.

But.

What about those deadlines we create for ourselves even though no one else is waiting for us to hold fast to our self-imposed timing? Or the self-inflicted expectations that others don’t care about, or for that matter, even know about? What about them?

Do we really have to get our holiday cards in the mail before Christmas? Or even send any this year?

Is anyone else actually expecting us to make the perfect holiday dinner that we’ve always had,? And if they are, maybe that’s not on us.

Do we actually need to get “just one more gift” for ___________?

Is it imperative that we take on that home-improvement project in January?

Is it critical that we take on three new clients right now?

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not advocating being a flake, or neglecting to practice good planning, goal setting, and time stewardship practices. Nor am I suggesting that there aren’t important ways in which we want to diligently spend our time and energy. What I am pondering, and maybe you would like to ponder along with me, is the cost to us and those around us when we cling to our notions of what needs to be done, exactly how it must be done, and when it has to be completed?

Photo by Frans Van Heerden from Pexels

To-Do or Not-To-Do?

“How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives.”

~ Annie Dillard

I’m a great list maker. Lists are my secret to success in a lot of areas:

• Getting ready for a dinner party list

• Packing for a trip list

• Planning a wedding/birthday bash/ family reunion list

• Costco/Trader Joes/New Seasons/Target run list

• Christmas shopping list

• Preparing for a keynote address or retreat list

• Book off to the publisher list

• Cleaning the garage list

• Whatever-needs-doing-getting-done list

As you can tell, I love me a good list. Which is why I was intrigued by Dane Anthony’s recent essay to consider making a new kind of list. A To-NOT-Do list.

While the name of the list alone was enough to pique my interest, the name of the person who wrote it sealed the deal. Dane has a Spiritual Direction practice in which he seeks to create a peaceful and safe space for the soul to emerge, which he does by listening without agenda. Having engaged him as my Spiritual Director, I can tell you that this is exactly what he does. He is one of the most gifted listeners I’ve ever met, and because I’ve come to deeply trust him and our work together, I decided to trust in the wisdom of creating my own To-NOT- Do List. Dane’s work is rooted in the belief that we are meant to live an undivided life, with ourselves, others and God, and if making a To-NOT-Do List can help me get a little closer to that…well then sign me up.

Here are a few things that showed up on my To-NOT-Do List as soon as my pen hit the page:

• Be complacent

• Settle

• Wake up and check ANY of my devices until after my morning ritual of quiet, reading,

  meditation, AND of course, my first sacred cup of French press coffee

• Get lost in the menial at the expense of the meaningful

• React out of fear

• Make it all about me

If you are intrigued by the idea of a new kind of list too, read Dane’s thoughtful post below, and then see what words come out when your pen hits the page.

(Oh, and if you are intrigued by the idea of pursuing a Spiritual Director…think about putting that on your To-DO List.)

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A To-Not-Do List

DANE ANTHONY //SELF CARE//10.03.18

I was taken recently by the question of what my “To-Do” lists really do for me? I’ve made them and crossed things off for years. There are seasons in which these seemingly helpful lists prove a profitable exercise; a place to deposit the endless undone things I must attend to. Certainly, they can be helpful in acknowledging things that are necessary and need my attention. In other seasons, these lists, or at least the propensity to create them, feel more like a perpetual exercise in all the things that are undone. It is as if they are frantically waving their arms to point to what I’m not accomplishing.  

What do my “To-Do” lists really do for me?

In conversation with someone the other day, I came to consider what would it be like to make a “To-NOT-Do” list – a list of the things I do not need to be doing. What on earth would a list like that contain? Might this list be one that offers me some needed permission to care for myself; to see myself as more than what I accomplish or cross off? Am I able to allow or consider things I don’t want to do apart from my inclination to be productive? Can I approach this list without a shame-motivation but from a desire for space and freedom and creativity?

Might this list be one that offers me some needed permission to care for myself; to see myself as more than what I accomplish or cross off?

A quick flash of what this list would look like might be something like:

To-NOT-Do:

Worry
Stress
Hurry
Be Co-dependent
Meddle
Judge
Rage
Argue

I don’t know what this would look like for you, but my list came to me pretty quickly, so I’m aware of my need for the gifts that not doing each of them would offer. It also seemed that I could find a lot of other things to put on this list that don’t appear here. What has kept me from making a list like this, I wondered?

It seems that the messages we receive culturally, and those we create internally, are often driven by shame that we need to accomplish or perform to be accepted, to be worthy, to be enough. 

It seems that the messages we receive culturally, and those we create internally, are often driven by shame that we need to accomplish or perform to be accepted, to be worthy, to be enough. That sure feels true for me when I look at my “To-Do” lists. I do NOT sense that when I look at my “To-NOT-Do” list above. This list feels like it has kindness present in it; an open space for me to engage with my desires and intentions, and with others as they are.

What might you have on your own “To-NOT-Do” list?