Elder + Connector + Writer
We all need good thought partners. Those trusted others who provide us with a safe place to process our thoughts and feelings without judgement, and who can provide a perspective other than our own. While they may offer words of encouragement, caution, or affirmation, the most important service they render is their attention, which is what makes it possible for us to find our own way forward.
Photo: Pexels
“I have fifteen minutes, and I’d love to spend them with you.” The voice on the other end of the phone belonged to a close friend who was in the midst of his own busy day, and yet was able to find a small window of time for us to connect. A small window was all I needed.
What I was searching for in those fifteen precious minutes was a safe space to say exactly what I wanted to say, unfiltered. I was in need of a place to be heard and seen, and to be able to feel exactly what I was feeling with no attempt made to fix, mollify, or find a silver lining. In that moment there was none to find.
For fifteen minutes he listened, and listened, and listened some more. Safely within the emotional equivalent of a soundproof, padded room, I was able to hear myself speak, and express deep emotions that needed to come out. Those fifteen minutes made it possible to handle the next fifteen. And the next and the next and the next.
We are all in need of safe spaces in which we can show up live and uncensored. Places where we can say what is true in that moment even when what is true is messy, ugly, and broken. It is from there that that we can find our way forward to deal with the mess, discover beauty in our ability to handle what we’ve been handed, and catch a glimpse of how we might put our broken selves back together again. Not put back together as before, but in new ways. Better ways. Stronger, more authentic, and courageous ways. Ways that begin with the gift of fifteen minutes with someone who’d love to spend them with us.
“the ultimate touchstone is witness, the privilege of having been seen by someone and the equal privilege of being granted the sight of the essence of another…”
David Whyte - Consolations: The Solace, Nourishment and the Underlying Meaning of Everyday Words
Once a month I have the privilege of sharing time with two dear friends. We live in different cities and so use a video conferencing platform, which is usually as close as we can come to sitting on a porch somewhere together. We began as colleagues, ended up as friends, and the only real agenda of our monthly shared space is to show up together in whatever state we find ourselves. Today, as I shared some of my story as it looks right now, they listened deeply as they always do, and when I was done speaking, there was a lingering shared silence that communicated more than words could ever say. More words weren’t needed.
In bearing witness they had provided what mattered most.
To be seen.
We all need safe spaces for courageous thinking.
Let’s create them for each other.
I interrupted him three times, sure that I wasn’t interested in hearing his suggestion. With only half of his thought out, I’d already determined what he was going to say, and proceeded to shut down the conversation. What a great way to facilitate communication and deepen connection with the man I love and share my life with. Finally he stopped walking, and standing in our snow covered driveway, suggested that I wasn’t listening to him. Huh. Now there’s a thought. Keeping my mouth shut long enough for him to actually finish his sentence, it became quickly obvious that he was right. I hadn’t been listening, and if I had, would have discovered that his thought was a good one, and we were on exactly the same page.
Note to self.
Let people finish what they are saying.
Last week I met with my doctor to go over the results of an MRI, ordered to try and determine the cause behind a greater hearing loss in my left ear. The concern when there is a difference in hearing levels between the two ears, which are meant to work in tandem, is the presence of an Acoustic Neuroma, a non-cancerous tumor, that while slow growing, over time can cause serious problems. My doctor was quite certain that I didn’t have one, but offered me the choice to have the scan or not. Wanting the peace of mind that comes from having the necessary information, I opted for the test.
In the exam room, after a warm handshake and a little conversation about our shared love of winter sports, he got right down to it. The images confirmed his suspicion. There was no growth, and in fact nothing of concern, all of which could have been communicated via email or phone. However, apparently there were additional results from the test that someone somewhere in the medical stratosphere deemed necessary to include on the report, and without an explanation, might have sounded serious and scary.
In other words, the report suffered from TMI.
His explanation put my mind at ease, which is what we both wanted out of the MRI in the first place, and while the other results were mildly interesting, it was information that I didn’t really need, but because it was included on the report I got it anyway.
How often do we share information just because we can? Provide too many unnecessary details? Go to great lengths to explain something, instead of getting straight to the point? Use a conversation to demonstrate our knowledge rather than to deepen a connection? Disclose details that aren’t ours to share?
Information may be power, but too much of it can be hard on our hearing.
“Allow your intuition to guide you today
and trust that whatever is whispering in your heart
is the right decision.”
This morning I was about to head out to the gym for a quick 30 minutes on the elliptical before getting ready to go into town.
And then I looked out our front window.
Stretching out into the distance was our field, covered in untouched snow, the first light of day spreading across the sky, and more snow quietly falling. The whispered invitation was clear…
Off came the gym shoes.
On went the snowshoes.
The gym will always be there.
The chance for the magic of a solo trek in the snow won’t.
“The distance between what you want – what you clandestinely imagine in between the ritual tasks of the day – and where you are, is long.
The distance between where you are today and a first action toward what you want is embarrassingly short.
To be confused about the difference between near and far is to free your mind and bind your feet.”
My first retreat of 2019 is over. Today I witnessed those present spend their precious day considering what it might mean for them to live more closely connected to who they are, why they are here, and where their life is calling them. Theirs was, as it always is, incredibly brave work, and I am humbled and grateful to have been their trail guide.
Today, as in any of my work, my greatest task was to help create a safe space. At the end of this day, here is what I am reminded of once again:
Given a safe space, people are able to engage in breathtakingly courageous thinking.
Given a safe space, people are able to recognize, listen to, and trust their inner teacher.
Given a safe space, people are able to show up for themselves, and for one another.
Given a safe space, people are able to find the courage to take the next right step, no matter how small or large it may be.
When someone we know goes through something difficult, it can be tempting to assume that how they feel in the midst of it is the same as what we would feel were we in their shoes. But we’re not.
Because we think we know how they are feeling, we assume we know what they need to do. But we don’t.
Years ago when I made the decision to leave my marriage I met with one of the pastors of our church. It was hands-down the hardest decision I’d ever made for a whole host of reasons, not the least of which was the poor light in which the church cast divorce. That being said, I felt certain of my decision, and hopeful for a different future. But sittting in his office I braced myself for his words, expecting to hear that while he might understand how I was feeling, he needed to help me see the error of my ways and how I could remedy them. However, after a few quiet moments, he simply said, I know what I am supposed to say, but I haven’t walked in your shoes. How are you feeling today? How can I best help you?
I’ve never forgotten that experience. Rather than burdening me with his expectations, he lightened the load of my experience. When someone is in the midst of the inevitable pain that comes with life, they are most in need of our quiet presence and a few simple words.
I know what I am supposed to say, but I haven’t walked in your shoes. How are you feeling today? How can I best help you?
With gratitude to DR for knowing that we wore different shoes.
On my way to Nashville to facilitate a meeting for a group of educators, I wrote about their Unbreakable Commitment to GIRLS in STEM Education. The meeting is over, and as I reflect back on my day spent with them, the power and inspiration from our day together did not stem from their knowledge, expertise, and competence, although they have all of those in spades. What carried the day was their stories.
Each person was asked to come prepared to share the 2-3 minute story behind their own Unbreakable Commitment. Throughout the day we would pause from the meeting agenda and invite another person to come take the floor, in front of their colleagues, and tell their story. As they gave voice to their individual stories, the collective commitment of those in the room grew stronger, and everyone left with a deterimination to continue to hone and tell their story to those that need to hear it.
We are story tellers at heart, and we see ourselves in one another’s stories. What is your 2-3 minute story? Who needs to hear it?
Stories change the world.
The world is in need of your story.
2-3 minutes is a great start.
MOLLY DAVIS is the founder of Trailhead Coaching & Consulting. She writes about lessons and adventures from the trail, and knows from firsthand experience that sometimes the only way to discover where you want to be, is to get lost where you don't. If you enjoyed this post, please feel free to pass it along.
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