The Roundabout

Roundabouts, also known as traffic circles, allow traffic to flow in one direction around a central island. There are usually several exits that let drivers continue on down the road. More than once I’ve found myself going around a traffic circle several times, somehow having missed my exit. Eventually I would get out of the circle and continue on my way.

Sometimes processing an emotional issue feels a lot like getting caught in a roundabout. We need to keep motoring around the matter in question until finally, we are ready to exit the circle, and continue on our way.

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Cancelled

There are a lot of things being cancelled right now due to the uncertainty and panic surrounding the Coronavirus. Airline flights, conferences, meetings, conventions, sports team practices, long planned vacations and birthday parties, just to name a few, are getting axed. Eventually, especially if well-informed and calmer heads prevail, we will find our way out of this mess, but until we do, cancellation will continue to be a major buzz word.

Recently, for reasons far less significant and serious than a possible pandemic, a few events and obligations on my calendar have been scrubbed. My response every time was an immediate “Yes!” followed by a sigh of relief. Now, the things being cancelled were things I was committed to and even looking forward to.

However.

The fact that my first reaction was relief and not disappointment told me something. My response suggested that perhaps I needed a little more open space on my calendar and more generous margins around my days. I’ve taken these cancellations as a reminder to take a beat before adding something to my calendar.

The next time something on your calendar is cancelled, notice your response, and then, respond accordingly.

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Front-Loading

I’m not a professional project manager by any standard, unless planning and pulling off a few exceptional weddings and an epic 70th birthday party count. But one thing I know for sure is that any project goes better when it is front-loaded.

The concept is often associated with large-scale industrial projects. During the front-end phase important milestones are set, and changes can be incorporated early on, which while requiring an investment in time, money, and effort in the beginning, pale in comparison to the cost to make changes and fix mistakes later on.

What is true of large-scale industrial projects is true of small personal ones as well. Anything from planting a garden, preparing for a new baby, organizing a garage, finding a new job, starting a side-gig, training for a challenging backpacking trip, to planning a bucket-list vacation will benefit from front-loading. Not only does putting in the time early on to plan for what you hope for in the end help bring your vision to life, what it saves in emotional energy is almost impossible to quantify.

The free-floating anxiety that can overwhelm us when we haven’t taken the time to get it out of our heads and down “on paper” can drown our enthusiasm for even the most exciting project faster than you can say “Gantt Chart”. Front-loading will keep us afloat.

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Not The Whole Book

Whenever we are in the midst of something where we can’t see over the horizon of our current hurdle, heartache, or hardship, we can feel trapped. It can be hard to fathom that eventually we will make it over, through, or to the other side of whatever it is. It will always be like this whispers the voice that shows up in the middle of the night.

No.

It won’t.

We forget that our life is a book, and that whatever is going on, it isn't the whole book.

It is a chapter in that book, or a page in that chapter, or a sentence on that page, or a word in that sentence, or even a letter in that word.

Whatever it is, it’s not the whole book.

And.

Whatever it is, let’s make it a meaningful part of our story.

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Dealer’s Choice

“You don’t have a right to the cards you believe you should have been dealt with. You have an obligation to play the hell out of the ones you’re holding…”

~ Cheryl Strayed, Tiny Beautiful Things: Advice on Love and Life from Dear Sugar

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Heart Broken

One of the most painful acts of love is to bear witness to the pain of another, love them with all of your might, and not be able to fix, solve, or make better. The most we can do is be present with them in the midst of it all, trusting that that can make all the difference.

It breaks your heart to love that way.

It breaks it wide open, making room for more.

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Make A Mess

Embrace the glorious mess that you are.

~ Elizabeth Gilbert

“Don’t make a mess.”

How often did I hear that as a child growing up? How often did I say that to my own kids? From an early age most of us are programed to believe that making a mess is wrong. That if we mess up we will disappoint others.

Making a mess is essence of creativity.

Making a mess is at the heart of every worthwhile endeavor.

Making a mess is how we sort things out.

Making a mess is how we make a life.

Relationships are messy.

We are messy.

Life is messy.

So go ahead, make a mess.

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A Better Drift

None of us sees the world in exactly the same way, and the needs that we each have are as different as we are from one another. Understanding this, and knowing what to do about it, is the good, and hard work of human relationships. Especially with those we care about the most.

It seems to be in our nature to give love and respect to others in the ways in which we want to receive them ourselves. To express our needs and wants in the language and timing that works for us. And here’s the clincher—we expect others to know what we want and need from them without having to tell them. None of these are good ideas. I know this because I’ve tried them for years with the same results. Hurt feelings, disappointment, resentment, loneliness, frustration, anger…I could keep going but you probably catch my drift. Maybe you share some version of the same drift too.

If we don’t want the same old same old., we have to try something new.

Rather than expecting others to know what we need and how to love us well, let’s tell them Specifically.

Rather than guessing what others need and how to love them well, let’s ask them. Specifically.

With practice we just might find ourselves catching a new and better drift.

Jury Duty

Leaning against the wall in the county courthouse awaiting our next instructions, I surveyed the crowd. While most of us gathered there didn’t know one another, what we all had in common was that we had been summoned to serve on a jury.

We were nothing if not a subdued bunch. Some people engaged with their devices, others leaned against the wall, some sat on benches with their eyes closed, and everybody looked in need of another cup of coffee. No one looked as if they had leapt out of bed in excitement over playing their part in our shared justice system. The few snippets of conversation that I overheard confirmed that perception as people semi-jokingly suggested that they hadn’t been able to get out of it this time.

I get it.

When I first received the summons I didn’t do backflips either. There is rarely a convenient time to save multiple days to serve on a jury for a trial that may or may not actually happen.

However.

As we moved through the jury selection process of “voir dire” (Latin for “to speak the truth), the judge and attorneys asked questions to assist in determining which six people out of the twenty-five of us gathered in the small court room would make up the jury for the case before the court. Some questions were easier to answer than others, and some required downright courage to actually speak the truth. The longer we sat together the more the gravity of the role we might play dawned on me. A jury has the power to change the course of a person’s life in the flash of a verdict.

In the end I wasn’t chosen, which meant that I could use the day to tend to the many things that were in need of tending, and I was grateful for the time made available.

However.

Participating in the process reminded me of how just much our lives are interconnected, or at least are meant to be. We all have a stake in the state of our shared union, and while many of the systems that are meant to contribute to the health of that union, like our justice system, are badly broken, they won’t get better if we try and get out of our responsibility to play our part.

Now more than ever we seem to have, in the words of Mother Theresa, “…forgotten that we belong to each other.”

It’s time we remembered.

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End Of Story

For your Friday reflection…

What is one old story no longer worth telling?

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