They may not be our favorite teachers, but they are some of our best teachers. The people who seem to be able to push our buttons, get under our skin, and rub us the wrong way, are the same people who offer us the chance to do it right even when it’s hard. They provide us with opportunities to practice being who we want to be even in the midst of challenging circumstances, and reveal the places in us that still need our attention. If we let them, they will stretch us and push us, and help us grow in ways that only a good teacher can. And before we get too carried away making a list of who all those people might be, it’s good to remember that we are showing up on a few other people’s list too.
25 Years And Counting
August 27, 1994
Yesterday we celebrated our 25th anniversary. I never knew love could be this big, or life this good, which is not to say that it has been smooth sailing or easy going. Far from it. It has however been worth every single minute that we’ve spent learning to create the life we share. Like most things, we’ve learned as much by what we got wrong (plenty) as by what we got right (thankfully plenty here as well it seems), and in honor of each of those years, and in no particular order, here is what my geologist and I came up with…
Love by listening.
Assume good intent.
Do your work and expect them to do the same
Don’t do their work for them and don’t expect them to do yours for you.
Play together.
Learn to laugh at yourself and with one another.
Talk about it, no matter what.
Learn to speak one another’s love languages.
Get a therapist.
Create at least one daily ritual that connects you.
Be active together.
Own up to what’s yours in real time.
Go on adventures.
Stay curious.
Be authentic.
Tell the truth even when it’s hard…especially when it’s hard.
Be courageous enough to be vulnerable.
Make your relationship the priority and move out from there.
Have the conversations that you don’t want to have.
Cook together.
Create lives of your own that strengthen the one you share.
Set boundaries that protect your relationship.
Identify and learn about each other’s enneagram numbers - really!
Love generously.
And because it bears repeating…do your work and expect them to do theirs.
I can’t wait to discover what we’ll learn over the next 25…
Peace
Peace, the kind that passes all understanding and that flows like a river, is an inside job.
It isn’t there because of our circumstances, but in spite of them.
It doesn’t come in the absence of change and challenges, but is what steadies us in the midst of them
It can be carried with us wherever we go, and will carry us through whatever comes our way.
It is the kind of peace that no one else can give to us or take away from us.
Cultivating peace, the kind that passes all understanding and that flows like a river, is the lifelong process of returning to our true self. The person we were when we first arrived on the planet and before the world told us who we should be.
Peace is coming home to the place we never left.
The Decision Before The Decision
Making big decisions is rarely easy. Even small ones can give us pause as we worry about getting it wrong, making a mistake, missing an opportunity or getting stuck. There is no doubt that some decisions have bigger consequences than others and have the potential to impact us, and those we love, for years to come. Developing the ability to choose well takes practice. We learn by getting it right, and, by getting it wrong, and while we can never know if things will turn out as we plan and hope, and in fact will rarely if ever work out as we envision, we can decide what matters to us. We can identify the boxes that need to be checked in order to feel good about our choices.
Making a good decision starts with deciding who we are, what kind of person we want to be, what we want to get out of life and what we want to give back to life. It’s the decision to make before making the decision.
Story Time
“You have to understand, my dears, that the shortest distance between truth and a human being is a story.”
~ Anthony De Mello
“The shortest distance between two people is a story.”
~ Patti Digh
Finding our way to the truth can be tricky.
A story can help.
Finding our way to one another can be tricky.
A story can help.
If ever we needed to live in the truth, and in connection to one another, it is now. Sharing our stories is a good place to start.
Photo by Maël BALLAND from Pexels
Répondez S'il Vous Plaît
One of my pet peeves is people’s reluctance to RSVP to an invitation. It is like they are waiting to see if something better shows up before committing themselves. I should know because I’ve done that myself, but having thrown some pretty great shindigs in my day, I know firsthand that it’s hard to plan a good party when you don’t know who is going to show up.
Every morning arrives with a new invitation to bring who we are and what we have to offer to life’s party. Some times it’s harder than others to commit to the day at hand, and there are times when the best choice is to bow out and catch our breath. But every morning, the invitation is there, waiting for our response s'il vous plaît.
With or without us, the party is being planned. Are we in? Or out?
Photo by samaraagenstvo feeria from Pexels
It Takes Practice
The more we commit to doing the work of becoming more authentic and whole-hearted, the more we discover about ourselves. The more we discover about ourselves, the more things we find that we love and appreciate about ourselves, and the more things that, well, we don’t. So just what do we do with those things that aren’t what we might call our most endearing qualities?
First we notice them - There it is again.
Then we name them - Hello impatience, anger, defensiveness, fill-in-your-own-blanks.
Then we practice navigating them in better ways when they show up. Take a breath and choose a better response than the knee-jerk one we’ve been perfecting for all these years.
Notice.
Name.
Navigate.
Repeat.
If you’re like me, you’ll get plenty of opportunities to practice.
Pexels - Phtographer: Snapwire
Slow Learner
Here are a few things I learned, again, today:
Most of the things we worry about never come to pass.
Things usually work out.
Things usually take longer than we planned.
Being in a hurry usually doesn’t help.
Don’t take everything personally.
Apparently some things take longer than others to sink in.
Living With It
There are parts of myself that I wish I could resolve, put to rest, or leave behind. One of those is the feeling of anger that flashes, usually inwardly, but occasionally outwardly. It’s been with me for as long as I can remember, and yet I would love to think that I could unravel this thread that runs through my life, and leave it behind me for good and all. But the more likely truth is that I can’t, and I won’t, so rather than angst about it, I am learning to accept that it, like all the other parts of me, are probably going to stick around until I leave the planet.
It is an important emotion, and I probably couldn’t survive without it. Anger lets me know when something is out of whack, out of balance, or out of order, and conveys that there is something I need to say, do, or consider. However, sometimes it’s just a flash that gets triggered without a call to some sort of action on my part other than to sit with it until it dissipates. I’ve had therapy about it, processed it, prayed, written and talked about it, figured out where it comes from, who it comes from, and yet for better or for worse, it seems to be here to stay, and will be until I die.
I’ve decided that I can live with that.
Word Play
Because I am never in more danger of being wrong then when I’m certain that I’m right, and because nobody likes a know-it-all, I’m playing around with some new words.
I could be wrong about that.
You could be right about that.
Believe it or not, it’s actually kind of fun. Most of the time.
