Elder + Connector + Writer
There’s beauty on the battlefield.
Life is hard. Always has been. Always will be. And sometimes, it feels like we are battling for our lives. That’s because we are. Everything that comes our way is a chance to fight tooth and nail to bring the best of what we have to even the worst of circumstances. When we do that, it is a beautiful thing no matter what the battle.
What have you had to fight for and how are you better for it?
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Margins matter.
In order to show up fully for what life brings my way, building in margins, no matter how small, make a big difference. Just because I know that doesn’t mean I always remember that. Without a bit of margin I quickly devolve into my less healthy self and become reactive rather than responsive. It’s not pretty.
What do you know about yourself when it comes to margins, and how do you build them in?
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Today we head out on horseback for five days in the Eagle Cap Wilderness. You might say it is our summer break after an intense couple of months of summer school, taught as usual, by that tenured professor called Life.
While we are out on trail I invite you to reflect on a few things I’ve learned.
Things never turn out as I expect.
This is not the summer I expected, but it has been one for the books. As a result of the summer I’ve had rather than the one I planned, I’ve learned to flex with what comes rather than fight it. Because of who I’ve been called to be and what I’ve been called to do, I’ve developed more capacity to know what is mine to do, and, what is not.
What have you learned and who have you become as a result of the summer you’ve had rather than the one you expected?
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As a writer, speaker, and coach, I help others connect who they are with how they live. It’s great work, and I love supporting people as they endeavor to live authentic, wholehearted lives. One of the things I find myself doing frequently in that process is encouraging them to trust that things will work out despite all evidence to the contrary.
The problem with my work is that in order to be authentic and wholehearted myself, I have to be willing to take a dose of my own medicine more often that I’d like to.
Take this morning for instance when the day before leaving on a bucket-list horse pack trip to celebrate our 25th anniversary, Gracie-the-chocolate-labradoodle decided to go into heat.
Things will work out.
Which meant that our well made plan to drop her off at her favorite boarding facility went out the window.
Things will work out.
Not many places will even take a dog in heat, not to mention that this is prime boarding time as people head out on vacation.
Things will work out.
At this late date, we stand to lose a substantial chunk of change if we have to cancel the trip.
It was getting harder to see how things would work out,
What to do?
At 10:30 in the morning there is only one thing to do. Make BLTs with extra bacon and extra mayo, split a beer, send up a short fervent prayer for help, and then start looking for other options. All the while trying to remember that things will work out despite all evidence to the contrary. Which they eventually did.
We just dropped Gracie off at her temporary digs. She will be alive and very happy to see us when we return, but it was hard work practicing what I preach. So for good measure we just stopped at Starbucks for grande mocha Frappuccinos. As it turns out, a spoonful of sugar really does help the medicine go down. Even my own.
We never stop growing up. At least I don’t. Even with 65 years behind me, I still encounter parts of myself, on an almost daily basis, that need to grow beyond lingering childish behaviors and ways of reacting to the world, and relating to the people around me. Especially to those who matter the most to me.
Growing up means not taking myself so seriously.
Growing up means seeing that I am but a small part in a very, very, very big picture.
Growing up means owning my life. All of it.
Growing up means learning that it’s not all about me. In fact, it’s hardly about me at all.
Growing up means leaving behind ways of responding to the world that might have kept me safe in the past, but that now keep me stuck in old patterns and habits.
Growing up means not getting what I want at the expense of others.
Growing up means not taking everything personally.
Growing up means letting go of the past and heading out into an unknown future.
Growing up means taking full ownership for myself and how I respond to the people in my life and the circumstances life brings my way.
Growing up means digging deep when I’d rather give up.
Growing up isn’t for the faint of heart, because in the end it means taking my own hand and stepping out onto the trail ahead.
“What we focus on determines what we miss.”
Brian McLaren
Life is a mixture of this and that, all at the same time.
Good and bad, scary and brave, sacred and profane, grief and grace, hope and despair, difficult and easy, heartache and happiness, disappointment and surprise, independence and partnership, alone and together, rising and falling, strength and weakness, fierce and fragile, love and loss, life and death, constancy and change, faith and doubt.
It’s all happening all around us all of the time, and if we don’t widen our gaze, we’ll miss out, because when we only focus on this, we can’t see that.
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Some mornings we start our days with steel cut oats topped with fruit, almond milk, some nuts, and a little butter and brown sugar for good measure. Each ingredient adds to the whole, but can stand alone on its own. Even the butter. It’s delicious and we both love it. Tom however, chooses to ruin his by stirring it all up together into something I call “glop”. I love oatmeal. I hate glop. It is hard to distinguish one flavor from the other, and it’s not much to look at either.
Stick with me here, but a bowl of glop is a lot like how we can handle interpersonal challenges, especially in our long term relationships. We stir everything up together until it is almost impossible to tell one situation or issue from other ones.
Stirring everything together sounds something like this: You always… You never… This is just like when you… All the ingredients of the current issue get glopped together with a bunch of other ones, until every bite tastes the same, and it is nearly impossible to tell this from that.
Not stirring everything together sounds like this:This morning when you___ I felt… When you didn’t follow through on your commitment, this is how it impacted me. I want to talk to you about something that happened recently. Each issue or situation stands on its own.
Learning to take our issues one at a time and separate one from the other is one of the ways we grow up into the people we are meant to be (a lifelong process). It’s hard work. It means we have to take things as they come, deal with them as they come, and stay in the conversation about them. Some conversations are a one-and-done deal. Others come around again, and again, and again, each time an opportunity to show up more fully and with more personal accountability and ownership for our part of the bargain. And there is always a part of the bargain that is ours.
In my unhealthier moments, I can take a current issue, conflict, or challenging situation, and stir it up with a whole bunch of other ones from the past. Or take one thing and make it about everything. But as I choose to stop, sift through the emotions and particulars of the situation, I am learning to separate this from that, and bring this to the conversation, and leave that out.
Take it from me. It tastes really good.
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Did you have the time you wanted? I asked.
Not exactly…but it was good. She answered.
What an inspiring answer to my question.
Summer is a time of setting expectations for how things will be, good, and bad. Road trips, family reunions, summer vacations and staycations, obligatory visits, home improvement projects. But it isn’t just summer. Anytime of year we look ahead and expect, imagine, hope, dread, or anticipate, that things will happen a certain way. They never do. Not exactly. Sometimes they are just as we expected, sometimes worse than we imagined, and sometimes, more than we ever could have hoped for. It’s just that it never turns out exactly as we expected.
We thought it was going to be this, but we got that.
We imagined it working out like this, but it worked out like that.
We wanted things to go this way, but they ended up going that way.
That’s why I love the response I got to my question, and am inspired to go forward holding my intentions with an open hand. Maybe you will be inspired too.
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Mimi…It’s good being here.
Those words, spoken this morning, would warm any grandmother’s heart. Especially when they come from a little three-year old grand boy who is staying with us, along with his fifteen month old brother, for a long weekend while his wonderful, weary parents celebrate their anniversary.
It’s a big deal.
They love us. They miss their mom and dad.
They love being with us at our “cabin”.. They miss being with their parents in their own home.
They love their bedtime rituals with us. They miss having their Mama and Dada tuck them in.
Like I said. It’s a big deal. Especially for two little boys away from home for multiple nights.
Mimi…It’s good being here.
All day long I’ve reflected on those words. Why, exactly, is it good being here? It’s probably not too complicated. Even if he can’t yet put words to it yet, I think it’s good being here because here…he feels loved, safe, important, and valued. And it doesn’t hurt that we have a whole lot of fun.
Some things never change.
A good friend who is no longer with us was fond of saying that when God wants to teach us something, He takes us on a trip. I love that idea. Kind of like She is riding “shotgun” next to us, and of all the possible trips we can take, the most insightful, instructive, and inspiring, a road trip wins out, hands down. Extra points for other people in the car.
A road trip requires us to pack for the trip to the best of our ability, and yet it teaches us that we can never be prepared for every contingency, and if we try, we will be burdened with too much stuff, and miss the opportunity to get creative, wing it, and work with what we’ve got.
A road trip taken with others gives us the chance to connect in new ways, hold new kinds of conversations, and, find new ways in which we drive each other crazy. Enclosed in the same vehicle, headed in the same direction, we might just discover new ways of being on the same page.
A road trip lets us get up close and personal with anything that grabs our interest along the way. If we build in enough time to allow for a few side trips, detours, and unexpected surprises, we return home more informed, inspired, and possibly inclined to learn more about something we encountered along our way.
A road trip always has a snafu, big or small. A flat tire, road work delays, the campground that is full, the trail that is closed for the season, or the unexpected snowstorm with our chains still in the box…back in our garage. It is the snafus that make the story interesting and worth telling again, and again, and again in the years ahead.
A road trip brings out the best in us, and, the worst in us, and when those two collide, well, that’s why God took us on the trip in the first place. Stuck in a car, with miles to go, we have a chance to bring out more of the best in us, and leave behind more of the worst in us.
Roadtrip!
MOLLY DAVIS is the founder of Trailhead Coaching & Consulting. She writes about lessons and adventures from the trail, and knows from firsthand experience that sometimes the only way to discover where you want to be, is to get lost where you don't. If you enjoyed this post, please feel free to pass it along.
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