It was disappointing not to make it to the top of that mountain.

After a year of planning, training, and imagining being on the top with everyone, it never occurred to me that I wouldn’t make it up there. I’m not big on mentally planning for every possible scenario in order to insulate myself from disappointment, so it was hard to let go of how I thought it would look. Some days it still is, but I wouldn’t trade being all in, even when it turned out that I couldn’t. This past year of training, loving, and supporting each other was worth every step I could and couldn’t take.

It was hard to be left behind.

Who wants to cry uncle? Not this aunt of the four who made it to the top. However, they might never have been inspired to do it, if we hadn’t done it first. Because we had stood on the summit before, they were determined to stand up there now. Because we knew what it took to get to the top, they were better equipped to get there too.

It was difficult to accept that my body wasn’t able to do what I thought I’d trained it to do.

Looking back on it now, I can see that by staying behind in basecamp we were actually leading the way. By modeling a mature response to loss and disappointment, maybe they will remember what that looks like when faced with their own inevitable losses and disappointments. Wisdom, it seems, is sometimes best gained through loss.

We are meant to pass the torch, and to find a new home for the truth that lives inside of us, so that it can live on without us.

We never stop growing up. At least I don’t. Even with 65 years behind me, I still encounter parts of myself, on an almost daily basis, that need to grow beyond lingering childish behaviors and ways of reacting to the world, and relating to the people around me. Especially to those who matter the most to me.

Growing up means not taking myself so seriously.

Growing up means seeing that I am but a small part in a very, very, very big picture.

Growing up means owning my life. All of it.

Growing up means learning that it’s not all about me. In fact, it’s hardly about me at all.

Growing up means leaving behind ways of responding to the world that might have kept me safe in the past, but that now keep me stuck in old patterns and habits.

Growing up means not getting what I want at the expense of others.

Growing up means not taking everything personally.

Growing up means letting go of the past and heading out into an unknown future.

Growing up means taking full ownership for myself and how I respond to the people in my life and the circumstances life brings my way.

Growing up means digging deep when I’d rather give up.

Growing up isn’t for the faint of heart, because in the end it means taking my own hand and stepping out onto the trail ahead.

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