Bringing Our Best

Years ago during some work with a colleague and now dear friend, my ears perked up when he told a room full of emerging leaders that they owed it to the people who would depend upon them to do what it would take to show up fully. To bring the best of themselves to every endeavor, every day.

That admonition has stuck with me ever since, and I work to not only share it with others, but to live it myself. Yesterday, when writing a blog post about my process for becoming a better steward of my time, his words from years ago came to mind again, as they often do. I ended the post by sharing the four categories I use to consider how to spend my time on who and what matter to me. And because it matters to me to be authentic and appropriately transparent about how I personally apply to myself what I am asking my readers to consider, I shared my four headings:

“In case you’re wondering, my categories were: Molly; People; Vocation; Everything Else. In that order.”

And, to be authentic and transparent, I had to think long and hard about confessing that the priorities for how I spend my time start with me. Even reading it now gives me pause as it sounds self-centered and like life is all about me. (Which, as the youngest of four, and as a four on the enneagram, sometimes it kinda is.) But this isn’t that. In order to show up for the other three categories well, for the people I love, the work that I offer, and everything else that matters to me, I have to bring as much of myself to those parties as I can.

Admittedly, every chapter is different, and what we can do to take care of ourselves in those chapters varies wildly. Sometimes the most we can do is find a few moments of quiet in which to take a few deep breaths. If this is one of those chapters, grab every one of those moments and gulp in as much air as you can before heading back into the fray. Sometimes extending grace to ourselves for doing what we can, and not shaming ourselves for what we can’t, is the most radical act of self care we can take.

We owe it to those who depend on us whether at home or at work or around the corner, to figure out what it takes to bring the best of ourselves to every endeavor, every day. And, we owe it to ourselves as well. I don’t want to leave anything on the table when my time is up. I just want to make sure I bring everything I have to the table while I’m here.

(Thank you DB)

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Owning It

The Seattle Seahawks lost yesterday.

That was then.

This is now.

Today, the day after the game, is known as Tell-The Truth-Monday. As I understand it, this is the time when everyone involved in the game, including the coaches, tells the truth about what happened in the game, takes ownership for what went well (not enough) and for what did not. It is how they individually and collectively take stock, gather and apply the lessons learned, and move forward. This commitment to the practice of taking ownership doesn’t just happen after a loss, it happens after every game, win or lose. It’s how they get better.

Becoming our best selves requires the same commitment to the practice of setting time aside to tell the truth about what is happening in our lives, and take ownership for what is going well, and, for what is not. It’s not only how the Seahawks get better, it’s how we get better too.

The Truth

The art of telling the truth takes a lifetime to master. Every day we are surrounded with opportunities to practice saying what we mean and meaning what we say. Telling the truth is as simple as that and as hard as it gets.

When it comes to having the real conversations, the ones that matter, it is tempting to take an easier way out. To couch what we say in general terms and hope they figure it out. To soften the message so that we don’t have to own up to what we really want to say if we had the courage.

Any truth, no matter how inconvenient, can be shared in a way that comes from the best of us. With practice, we can become more skilled at telling the truth as we see it, and more open to hearing how others see it. And that is how it can set us free.

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The Courage To Care

It can be hard to have the courage to take care of ourselves. To be willing to say no to requests, risk disappointing others, making changes that others may not like, and standing firm in doing for ourselves what we know we need to do. When we ignore our own needs in order to take care of those of others it eventually catches up with us, sometimes in ways from which it is difficult to recover.

One of the most loving things we can do for the others in our lives, especially those to whom we are the closest, is to love ourselves well. It bears repeating that taking care of ourselves isn’t about being self-centered, it’s about living from a centered self.

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Delores's Delight

…I have learned things in the dark that I could never have learned in the light, things that have saved my life over and over again, so there is really only one logical conclusion. I need darkness as much as I need light.

~ Barbara Brown Taylor - Learning To Walk In The Dark

It’s called Delores’s Delight.

The favorite dessert of my childhood, I dusted off the recipe card today and made a big batch of it for the first time in years. If I had to choose a final meal before leaving the planet, this dessert would be on the menu. While others in my family wanted cake for their birthday, I only wanted this, and if you decide to make a batch, you’ll probably know why.

Growing up, the best part about it wasn’t the first piece after dinner, delicious as it was. It was waking up in the middle of the night, sneaking into the kitchen and finding my dad there too. In the dark we would cut two more pieces and savor every bite before heading back to bed. Somehow it tasted even better in the shadow filled kitchen than the light filled dining room.

When it comes to this delectable dessert, it is the crushed dark chocolate cookies layered on the bottom and sprinkled over the top that help hold it all together and set off the flavor of the sweet, rich center. In our lives, the dark, the shadow parts of ourselves that we have been courageous enough to explore and come to know as intimately as the rest, are layered with the light, and are key ingredients in what it means to be a whole human being.

Delore’s Delight is a combination of the dark and the light, just like my relationship with my dad. And a lot like real life when it comes right down to it. In order for our lives to be authentic, wholehearted and real, we must incorporate the dark with the light in order to cook up a whole life. One without the other just doesn’t cut it.

Solitary Solidarity

On the home page for Life In The Trinity Ministry there is a phrase that rings as so true and so important.

A place for solitary work that cannot be done alone.

There is work that is ours to do, and no one else can do it for us.

However.

There is a need for us to have a safe place to do that work in relationship with others. A place where we can say what is true for us and be heard. A place where we can bring our questions and not get ready answers, our fears and not have them shushed away, and our messy emotions and not have someone try to clean them up. We need people who will keep us from getting burned, and, will hold our feet to the fire. People who see for us what we can’t see for ourselves, and, who accept us as we are.

While the work may be ours alone to do, there is safety in numbers. Going it together reminds us that we are not alone in our desire to make sense of things, and to become as fully ourselves as we are meant to be.

I am grateful to those who walk with me on my journey to becoming whole, and for those who invite me to walk with them.

Onward.

Together.

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Into The Storm

Driving home today after a weekend in the woods, storm clouds gathered in the sky ahead. There are times when that is what the beginning of a new week feels like. A storm is brewing and I’m headed right for it.

Maybe you can relate.

Part of me wanted to turn our car around and head back where we came. Away from our cell phones, the work waiting for us at home, and the addition of unexpected tasks to be completed. Then I noticed the car ahead of us pulling a small camper. A camper that was most likely equipped with the essentials needed to stay warm and dry, even in the midst of a storm.

Storms are a part of life, and we take them as they come. Sometimes we hunker down and wait for them to pass. But more often than not we head out, equipped to weather what we encounter, and come out the other side the better for it.

Teachers All

They may not be our favorite teachers, but they are some of our best teachers. The people who seem to be able to push our buttons, get under our skin, and rub us the wrong way, are the same people who offer us the chance to do it right even when it’s hard. They provide us with opportunities to practice being who we want to be even in the midst of challenging circumstances, and reveal the places in us that still need our attention. If we let them, they will stretch us and push us, and help us grow in ways that only a good teacher can. And before we get too carried away making a list of who all those people might be, it’s good to remember that we are showing up on a few other people’s list too.

The Decision Before The Decision

Making big decisions is rarely easy. Even small ones can give us pause as we worry about getting it wrong, making a mistake, missing an opportunity or getting stuck. There is no doubt that some decisions have bigger consequences than others and have the potential to impact us, and those we love, for years to come. Developing the ability to choose well takes practice. We learn by getting it right, and, by getting it wrong, and while we can never know if things will turn out as we plan and hope, and in fact will rarely if ever work out as we envision, we can decide what matters to us. We can identify the boxes that need to be checked in order to feel good about our choices.

Making a good decision starts with deciding who we are, what kind of person we want to be, what we want to get out of life and what we want to give back to life. It’s the decision to make before making the decision.

It Takes Practice

The more we commit to doing the work of becoming more authentic and whole-hearted, the more we discover about ourselves. The more we discover about ourselves, the more things we find that we love and appreciate about ourselves, and the more things that, well, we don’t. So just what do we do with those things that aren’t what we might call our most endearing qualities?

First we notice them - There it is again.

Then we name them - Hello impatience, anger, defensiveness, fill-in-your-own-blanks.

Then we practice navigating them in better ways when they show up. Take a breath and choose a better response than the knee-jerk one we’ve been perfecting for all these years.

Notice.

Name.

Navigate.

Repeat.

If you’re like me, you’ll get plenty of opportunities to practice.

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