Owning It

The Seattle Seahawks lost yesterday.

That was then.

This is now.

Today, the day after the game, is known as Tell-The Truth-Monday. As I understand it, this is the time when everyone involved in the game, including the coaches, tells the truth about what happened in the game, takes ownership for what went well (not enough) and for what did not. It is how they individually and collectively take stock, gather and apply the lessons learned, and move forward. This commitment to the practice of taking ownership doesn’t just happen after a loss, it happens after every game, win or lose. It’s how they get better.

Becoming our best selves requires the same commitment to the practice of setting time aside to tell the truth about what is happening in our lives, and take ownership for what is going well, and, for what is not. It’s not only how the Seahawks get better, it’s how we get better too.

The Truth

The art of telling the truth takes a lifetime to master. Every day we are surrounded with opportunities to practice saying what we mean and meaning what we say. Telling the truth is as simple as that and as hard as it gets.

When it comes to having the real conversations, the ones that matter, it is tempting to take an easier way out. To couch what we say in general terms and hope they figure it out. To soften the message so that we don’t have to own up to what we really want to say if we had the courage.

Any truth, no matter how inconvenient, can be shared in a way that comes from the best of us. With practice, we can become more skilled at telling the truth as we see it, and more open to hearing how others see it. And that is how it can set us free.

Photo by Daniel Bendig from Pexels

The Courage To Care

It can be hard to have the courage to take care of ourselves. To be willing to say no to requests, risk disappointing others, making changes that others may not like, and standing firm in doing for ourselves what we know we need to do. When we ignore our own needs in order to take care of those of others it eventually catches up with us, sometimes in ways from which it is difficult to recover.

One of the most loving things we can do for the others in our lives, especially those to whom we are the closest, is to love ourselves well. It bears repeating that taking care of ourselves isn’t about being self-centered, it’s about living from a centered self.

Photo: pixels.com

Wisdom From The Abbey

“The business of life is the acquisition of memories. In the end, that’s all there is.”

Mr. Carson: Butler of Downton Abbey

The choices we make today are creating the memories we will remember tomorrow.

Dealing With It

After years of leading workshops and retreats and working with coaching clients, there is almost always this moment when the energy changes. Something I’ve said strikes a nerve, gets to the point, or sheds a light on something true. People perk up and listen, pick up a pen, and begin writing. Yesterday, in a workshop on leading teams, that moment came when I talked about how un-dealt with issues can undermine team strength, erode trust, and cause communication breakdowns. In the room heads nodded as they brought to mind what those unresolved issues and avoided conversations might be in their own teams.

We didn’t talk about the specifics, because that is their work to do in the days ahead, and because I usually teach what I need to hear too, I work to be right there with them. To apply what I am saying to them to my own life. It is safe to say that most of us don’t wake up and hope to have a difficult conversation, face avoided issues, and ask hard questions. It is equally safe to say that the longer we put such things off, the harder they are to face.

Whether talking about an organization, work team, friendship, marriage, NFL team, or a family, developing the skills to address issues as they arise, work through things rather than skirt around them, and keep our “accounts” current, is hard work, but oh such good work. It pays off every time we have the courage to do it, and it costs us every time we don’t.

A Second Language

The longer we wait to learn a new language, the harder it is to learn. It’s possible. Just harder.

As a girl who tends to make her mind up quickly, have an opinion on how things should be done, and who is pretty sure she is right most of the time, especially when she’s wrong, I have mastered the language I’m calling Certainty. It flows off my tongue like water. To say that I’m fluent in it is an understatement, as anyone who knows and loves me anyway can attest.

However, when it comes to the language I’m calling Curiosity, I am anything but fluent. But I want to be. To that end, I am practicing a few simple phrases as often as I can, knowing that repetition and practice are the keys to mastery.

I could be wrong about that.

You could be right about that.

Those two statements still catch in my throat, and most likely catch those who hear them off guard, but the more I say them, the more easily they come. Every day provides me with ample opportunity to practice, and for that I am grateful (mostly). I’ve spent years mastering the language of Certainty, and it is my hope that with practice, I will be able to claim Curiosity as a second language in which I am fluent.

What language would you like to learn?

Two Kinds Of Energy

There are two types of energy with which we can meet the world.

Aspirational or Oppositional.

We can extend our efforts to achieve what we envision, work for a desired outcome, and move toward our aspirations.

Or.

We can extend our efforts to prevent what we dread, work against unwanted outcomes, and move away from what we fear.

The former is built on hope, the latter on fear.

Are you working for what you want, or against what you don’t?

Pixels.com

Aging Part 2

When did it become not okay to age? Or even more to the point, when did it become okay not to age? Measuring who we are with who we think we should be, comparing ourselves to images that aren’t even real, we strive for the impossible. Years ago, Jamie Lee Curtis agreed to have herself photographed without the magic eraser of technology. The images of her photo-edited self were presented side-by-side with the ones of the ‘real’ her. It was a courageous, gracious and liberating act. It was like looking at Barbie standing next to a real girl, who if she were real, wouldn’t be able to stand on her two little adorable high-heeled feet. She’d topple over on her perfect little plastic nose.

Molly Davis - BLUSH: Women & Wine

Looking at my arms, I could be my own connect-the-dots game. This past year the number of brown spots on my arms have at least doubled. Some are big, some are small, all are obvious. From topical treatments to laser and micro needling, there are treatments to help diminish their appearance. My fine lines, wrinkles, and less-than-taut jawline grow more noticeable every year, and, there are treatments to help with those too. The price for possible treatments range from a few to thousands of dollars. To say that I’m not tempted to jump in and get some significant work done wouldn’t be the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. But so help me God, I continue to be more inclined to to do my best to age well without too much outside help.

In a conversation with a lovely woman in her mid-thirties, I learned that she is already feeling the pressure to get on the cosmetic treatment bandwagon to take care of the few teeny, tiny lines that are beginning to appear. Lines that, like all of ours, tell the story of her life. It was a conversation that made me sad for the ways in which we all seem to compare ourselves to others, and almost always find ourselves coming up short. It also troubles me for the erosion of respect for the process of aging and for the beauty that can only be found in the faces and bodies of the elders among us.

It might sound like I am opposed to having any cosmetic work done. Quite the contrary. Full disclosure, years ago I had breast implants put in, and then a few years later, had them taken out. For me, it was the right call, but I can’t and won’t speak for anyone else. I’m for doing what it takes for any of us to feel comfortable in our own skin. I am, however, against an industry and a culture that tells me to go out and buy the right skin.

Aging

Not too long ago I was walking down an aisle at Costco looking for something on my list. An employee in the same aisle looked at me, smiled, and in an all-too-perky-slightly-patronizing voice said, Well, hello there young lady. How are you today?

First of all, I’m 65 years old, and while I may look pretty good for my age, and tend to dress in a rather hip-but-appropriate-for-my-age kind of way, I am most certainly not a “young” lady by anyone’s standard.

Second of all, I don’t want to be young again. While I wish I had started wearing sun screen earlier, every wrinkle and line tells the story of the life I’ve lived, and the wisdom I’ve gained has been hard won.

For those of us in the third-third of life, it could be, should be, our vision to show what it means to age well. To stay active and strong, and to continue to offer our strengths and gifts to the world around us. To lead the charge in modeling the courage to continue to show up and do the work of becoming authentic and wholehearted human beings.

From the moment we arrive on the planet we are on a one way trip off of it again. Every year is ours to make of it what we can in order to, in some way, leave the world better than we found it. My 66th year is just around my corner, and in case anyone is wondering, this 65 year old woman is doing just fine, thank you.

(Sometimes I just need to rant a little.)

Delores's Delight

…I have learned things in the dark that I could never have learned in the light, things that have saved my life over and over again, so there is really only one logical conclusion. I need darkness as much as I need light.

~ Barbara Brown Taylor - Learning To Walk In The Dark

It’s called Delores’s Delight.

The favorite dessert of my childhood, I dusted off the recipe card today and made a big batch of it for the first time in years. If I had to choose a final meal before leaving the planet, this dessert would be on the menu. While others in my family wanted cake for their birthday, I only wanted this, and if you decide to make a batch, you’ll probably know why.

Growing up, the best part about it wasn’t the first piece after dinner, delicious as it was. It was waking up in the middle of the night, sneaking into the kitchen and finding my dad there too. In the dark we would cut two more pieces and savor every bite before heading back to bed. Somehow it tasted even better in the shadow filled kitchen than the light filled dining room.

When it comes to this delectable dessert, it is the crushed dark chocolate cookies layered on the bottom and sprinkled over the top that help hold it all together and set off the flavor of the sweet, rich center. In our lives, the dark, the shadow parts of ourselves that we have been courageous enough to explore and come to know as intimately as the rest, are layered with the light, and are key ingredients in what it means to be a whole human being.

Delore’s Delight is a combination of the dark and the light, just like my relationship with my dad. And a lot like real life when it comes right down to it. In order for our lives to be authentic, wholehearted and real, we must incorporate the dark with the light in order to cook up a whole life. One without the other just doesn’t cut it.