Cleaning Up Our Mess

Any good dog owner knows that it is their responsibility to clean up after their pup, especially when in shared public spaces. Scoop up whatever gets deposited, take it back home, and throw it in the trash can.

It’s pretty straightforward.

If it’s our mess, we clean it up.

Today, returning from a morning walk with a friend and her dog, toting a poop bag, we came across an obviously filled bag that someone had decided to leave near the sidewalk, assuming I guess, that someone else would take care of it. They assumed right. We did.

However.

That’s not how it works.

If it’s our mess, we clean it up.

We clean up after our dogs, and ourselves for that matter, we don’t leave it for someone else to take care of.

If it’s our fault, we clean it.

If we hurt someone, we clean it up.

If we get it wrong, we clean it up.

If we make a poor choice, we clean it up.

If we avoid what is ours to do, we clean it up.

If it’s our mess, we clean it up.

Life can be messy enough without having to pick up after someone else.

Now & Then

That was then, this is now.

What worked last week doesn’t necessarily work this week.

What was true yesterday, may no longer be the reality today.

What support looked like earlier may look different now.

What we needed to hear in a previous stage may need a new message in the new one.

What shape love took in the past may no longer fit.

The only way to know if whatever it is is still working is to find out. Ask the question, have the conversation, be observant, and stay open.

MASTERY

Gracie-the-chocolate-labradoodle has mastered the art of going crazy in the presence of other dogs and humans. It’s not her fault, it’s ours. Left to her own devices, whenever she is around her four-legged peers, or is introduced to new people, she will whip herself into a hot, uncontrollable frenzy. Ufortunately we left her to her own devices too often when she was a young pup.

What she hasn’t mastered is the art of being calm in the presence of other dogs and humans. It’s not her fault, it’s ours. As a result, we are helping her conquer this new and necessary skill. Whenever encountering other dogs or people, with the help of a few training tools, she is learning to calm herself and is developing good doggie social skills. If we had started this earlier, she wouldn’t have to work as hard as she is to overcome her fallback behaviors and develop new ones. Thankfully she is a smart girl and wants to please us, so she is steadily making her way to mastering these new skills.

Whether we walk on two legs or four, we master what we practice, and it’s never too late to develop new skills.

Pressing Problems

The other day on a walk through our local wildlife refuge, I asked my friend what, in her mind, was one of the most pressing problems facing our world today. Walking in silence for a bit, she turned and said, I’m concerned about the impact of robots taking over our work. What value, she wondered, will work have in the future? As our conversation unfolded, it was clear that it wasn’t a fear of AI (Artificial Intelligence) or that robots would take over the world, but rather, when things become available at the push of a button and there is little to no human-to-human contact in getting our needs met, what else will get lost? When a drone can drop a package at our doorstep in a matter of minutes, without interaction with the UPS driver we’ve come to know, what will become of our appreciation for the efforts and work of other human beings? Or when the latte at our favorite coffee shop is served up by robotic baristas, will we miss the friendly banter we’ve come to count on, which as it turns out, is why we walk the extra three blocks to frequent that particular establishment in the first place?

Her question about the value of work in the future is worthy our consideration today. On a small scale, how can we bring value to others through the work we offer in the world, and, how can we better acknowledge and appreciate the work that others offer to us? On a grander scale, how do we make sure that everyone has a place at the work table, and an opportunity to use their unique strengths and abilities to care for the needs of others and to tackle the issues of today and tomorrow?

Further along on our walk my friend asked me the same question. While there are many issues I could have talked about, maybe because we were having our conversation while walking on a forest trail, what came to mind was that I’m deeply concerned about the critical environmental issues impacting the planet. Especially of concern is what I perceive as our individual and collective indifference about the responsibility we all bear to care for our shared planet. On a small scale, how do we begin to feel the impact of our small everyday actions on the earth and the life which inhabits it, and what will that inspire us to do? On a grander scale, how can we force ourselves to come to grips with the fact that the survival of one is intricately bound together with the survival of all?

As we made our way around the refuge, while we didn’t come up with any conclusive answers, the conversation that ensued was a start.

What, in your mind, is one of the most pressing problems facing our world today?

Photo: Pexels

The Whole Thirty-One

There is something called the Whole30. An eating program designed to reprogram the way we eat, and the ways in which we think about food. I’m a fan. It has worked for me in the past, and when I am in need of a reset, I will return to it again.

Loosely, it goes something like this. For thirty days, cut out all dairy, added sugars, legumes, grains, and alcohol, choosing instead to consume real food including good protein, plenty of vegetables, fruits, and ample amounts of natural fats. By the grace of God, you can still have coffee.

There were days when this it felt like an impossible assignment. I did it anyway.

There were days, when I felt like a total fraud. I did it anyway.

There were days when I wanted to give in and give up. I did it anyway.

Every time I have completed the Whole30 (and occasionally, the Whole60 or 90) I have felt better. Lots better. More energy, better sleep, increased clarity, and a more positive outlook (after the initial crankiness wears off).

I’m not jumping back on the Whole30 bandwagon just yet, but the program has me thinking about how these same principles—cutting out things that can have a detrimental impact on our health and wellbeing, and consuming instead what will nourish and fuel our lives more effectively—might transfer to other areas of our lives.

Welcome to the Whole Thirty-One: Soul Food Style

Loosely, it goes something like this. For the next 31 days, cut out all negative self-talk, fear-based language, and scarcity thinking, choosing instead to begin each day with a positive mindset, language seasoned with gratitude and grace, and the faith that what is needed will be provided. By the grace of God, you can still have coffee.

There will be days when this will feel like an impossible assignment. I will do it anyway.

There will be days, when I will feel like a total fraud. I will do it anyway.

There will be days when I will want to give in and give up. I will do it anyway.

This sounds like good food for thought to me. Maybe it does to you too.

Welcome to Day 1

The Horse We Rode In On

We all have them. Decisions we wish we could revisit and choose another course. Words we’ve said in the heat of the moment, but are unable to take back. Relationships we started that turned out to be dead ends, and ones we ended too soon, missing out on the life to be found there. Times when we let fear hold us back, and others when we allowed our pride to push us ahead before we were ready. Some years feel like a total waste, as we lingered in our shame, fear, and disappointment. And then, there are those times when we made what can only be called terrible mistakes. Errors in judgement that cost us, and those we love great harm. Every experience up until now has made us who we are today, and we’ve all arrived to our present moment on the backs of our stories. All of them.

Looking back over my life, I have very few regrets. In fact, there’s really only one, and it cost me a lot. When I was in college, I had a conversation with my dad that changed the course of my history, and if I could have one do-over, it would be that one phone call. I allowed his patriarchal view of women and the world to color my own. Instead of speaking up and applying for graduate school, I stayed quiet and took a job to pay the bills. In listening to his, I silenced my own voice, and rather than owning my intelligence and strength, I turned them out to pasture. It took me a long time to find my way back to myself and take the reins into my own hands.

Slowly but surely I put a period on the end of that story, which was the only way I could begin to write a new one. It would have been easy to allow that many year detour to define me for the rest of my life, and there are still times, if I’m honest, that I indulge myself by replaying the shoulda-coulda-woulda song, but those times are short lived, and few and far between. It was that detour that led me to the work I have today. It is because of that experience that I am passionate about helping others step more fully into their own lives, access and trust their inner wisdom, and bring all they have to offer, in whatever form, to a world waiting for what they have to give.

Every choice and chapter will always be a part of our story, but they don’t have to define us forever. The only way they can is if we let them. In my better moments, I am even able to thank my dad for helping me to find an unconventional trail to wholeness, meaning, and purpose. Because that is that story that now defines my life.

Principle Vs Practice

“Dallas Willard says we always live what we believe, we just don’t always live what we profess we believe.”

From The Next Right Thing by Emily P. Freeman

Authenticity matters to me, and I believe that being true to who we are and what we believe is our calling. We do that by connecting who we are with how we live. In my work as a speaker, writer, and coach, that is what I endeavor to help others do, and in my own life that is what I strive to do as well. It’s good work. It is also, however, hard work. Very hard work.

You would think that a dog wouldn’t be able to assist us in learning to be true to who we are and what we believe, but once again, Gracie-the-chocolate-labradoodle has proven her Yoda-like ability to uncover our blind spots and areas still in need of work. In helping her become her best and truest curly haired, four legged girl, we wanted to teach her good canine etiquette when walking across any kind of threshold. Bottom line? The human always goes first. Always. This isn’t just about teaching her good manners, it is also about keeping us two-legged types safe. Whether walking through a doorway or gate, getting out of a car or going down the stairs, if she bolts ahead, the human in the equation is at risk. Think broken hip, twisted ankle, sprained knee, dislocated shoulder, or concussion. We have concrete floors in our home, and just one fall could change the course of someone’s health history, so we committed to being consistent in how we approached any threshold. If she got ahead of us, back she would come, and we’d try it again.

We’ve decided that I’m the Alpha of the pack, which means that I do the majority of the training, and this particular issue has always been front and center on my radar screen. It didn’t, however, always seem to be front and center for Tom, as he would often not notice when she would barge ahead of him down the stairs or through a door. When I (less than gently) pointed this out to him, he replied that he agreed with the idea in principle, but didn’t always remember (aka choose) to put it into practice. The thing is, Gracie’s a dog, and as smart as she is, principles don’t matter to her. The only way she knows who we are (the ones in charge) and what we believe (the human always goes first) is by what we practice. 

I’ve promised Tom that I will only throw him under the bus if I am willing to crawl under there with him. Front and center on Tom’s radar screen is the commitment to the principle of not letting food spoil. In practice that means always putting ice in the cooler when bringing groceries home from the store, and always putting the food out on the counter back in the refrigerator promptly. He not only preaches it (gently), he practices it. Me? I think it’s a great idea, and I agree with it in principle, but don’t always remember (aka choose) to put it into practice, but like Gracie, the leftover pork loin or package of chicken thighs don’t care about the principle, only the practice.

In truth, we humans are no different. Whether as parents, partners, politicians, pastors, colleagues, managers,  or friends, people know who we are and what we believe not by what we profess, but only by what we practice.

One of the principles Tom and I share is that we are one another’s priorities, and so, he is being diligent to go ahead of Gracie, and I am being diligent to keep our food from spoiling. In other words, we’re practicing putting our money where our bark is.

Loose Ends

I hate loose ends. Those tiny bits of this and that waiting to be finished and checked off the list. While there may always be a few threads here and there, right now it feels like life is nothing but frayed edges. Nothing earth shattering, just small things that need to be taken care of, and until they are, it will be hard to get traction on other things. Like a dog circling around and around and around trying to find a place to lie down, I’ve been circling around these things for days now, and it’s starting to wear on me, which in all likelihood means that I’m starting to wear on others too.

Well, not any more.

I’m getting up from my desk now, pad and pen in hand, and making a list room-by-room of the loose ends waiting to be tied off. I’ll be back shortly and let you see what I found

By the end of the weekend, these will be done. Just having them out of my head and down on paper, things are looking up.

Maybe you have some loose ends waiting to be tied up this weekend too. Think how good it will feel when they are.

The Freedom To Choose

“ I am not what happened to me,

I am what I choose to become.”

Carl Jung

Crossing The Bridge

In my work I help people find their way forward, and always toward a more authentic and wholehearted life. This never happens without encountering some difficult terrain along the way. In order to become more of who we are meant to be, there are choices to make, challenges to overcome, courageous conversations to have, and new skills to practice.

Sometimes getting from where we are now to where we want to go seems so far away, that getting there feels next to impossible. The decisions to be made are too daunting, the unknown too scary, the obstacles too big, the conversations too intimidating, and the new skills so far outside our comfort zone that we can’t imagine ever mastering them.

When encountering this space with someone, whether that be a client, a friend, a family member, or myself for that matter, I always try to explore the reality of the perception that the distance to be covered is simply too great. There are times when the bridge from here to there is so long that it appears to drop off of the horizon. However, there are other times when the distance is very short, but the bridge to get there is over a canyon that is so deep and dark, that we can’t see the bottom. We can only hear the raging river far below. In my experience, these canyons have been eroded over long periods of time by the turbulent waters of our old stories, obsolete beliefs, and tightly held fears. If we never cross the bridge, we’ll never find out what life could be like on the other side.

Long distances and deep canyons are both daunting. But if we want to move toward wholeness, and the people we are meant to be, there is only one way to do that. Whether a bridge too far or a canyon too deep, our only choice is to keep going.