Whose Side Of The Fence?

Whenever we are in a relationship, there are times when there is work that needs to be done, and that work falls into three categories: yours, mine, and ours. A healthier order would be mine, yours, and ours, because when looking at the health and dynamics of our relationships, it’s best to start within.

Good questions to ask ourselves might be:

How have I contributed to the current state of this marriage/partnership/family dynamic/professional relationship/friendship/whatevership?

What am I doing to build or undermine trust and respect?

What do I need to communicate to the other person?

Do I need to seek forgiveness?

Have I clearly stated my needs?

Do I need to seek professional help to find my way to a healthier me?

What is mine to do?

What is on my side of the fence?

Starting there is always a win/win deal. No matter what the outcome of our own work, when done with curiosity, humility, courage, and integrity, we come out the side more fully formed as the person we are meant to be.

All that being said, not everything falls on our side of the fence. It is up to others to show up too, and hopefully they will. Sometimes that means doing their own work, and other times it means that we swing our gates open wide and inhabit the field of relationship building together.

Your Playlist

I’m a big fan of Spotify, and have created a number of playlists to have available depending on my mood, the task at hand, who else is within listening distance, and most especially, to create the right ambiance for the moment or occasion. If it’s time to sit down and write and I need something other than silence (or my ever present tinnitus), there is a Music-to-Write-By playlist. As guests arrive for a party, it’s Mood-Setting or Bon Iver-ish. When I want happy, or need happy, my go-to is Michael Franti.

The right music playlist can help us cope, ease stress, strengthen focus, access and amplify our emotions, and keep us company. The wrong one can increase anxiety, numb our emotions, distract our attention, and create isolation.

A music app isn’t the only source for the playlists we keep at the ready. We create mental playlists that we use to either help us on our way, or keep us stuck in our ruts. Rather than collections of songs, they are stockpiles of stories. Some so old and familiar that we don’t even hear them running in the background. They are our stories, and we’re sticking to them!

But we don’t have to.

Before the year gets any further along, wouldn’t it be great to take stock of our playlists? Whether musical or mental, now is the time to delete what no longer resonates or serves us well, add more to the ones that we love, and create new ones to carry us forward.

Curated carefully, our playlists help us compose the lives we are meant to live.

Lift Your Gaze

This morning as I was working out, a memory from years ago showed up. Not long after we were married, Tom and I took our four young daughters back east to visit his family in New Jersey. While there we also spent a couple of days in New York City, cramming in as many touristy things as we could manage, including visits to the Statue of Liberty, Ellis Island, the Natural History Museum, pizza in Little Italy, the Hard Rock Cafe, Phantom of the Opera, Tavern on the Green, and a trip to the Empire State Building. It was this last experience that popped into my head this morning.

We were on the outdoor observation deck on the 86th floor, and one of my daughters was standing next to me, intently peering through a coin operated telescope out across the urban landscape. “Is that it?” she wondered aloud. “That’s all? That’s Central Park?” Following her gaze, I saw she was focused on a small square of green space, probably a small city park or school playground.

I urged her to lift her gaze just a skosh, and when she did, that magnificent 843 acre park came rushing into view. It was an amazing moment to watch her young face turn from disappointment to wonder, and I’m grateful to have been there to witness it. It would have been so easy to miss.

That moment was then, and is now, a reminder to lift our gaze. To let go of our fixation on the small view, making room for wonder and space for possibility.

Image: german.fansshare.com

Naming Our S*#T

Yesterday I finally sat down to work on an upcoming event, fleshing out the intent, core message, and overall experience. It was a creative, productive few hours, and it felt good to have gained some traction on work that I am passionate about. There were several other things that needed my attention, so I left the document open on my desktop, intending to come back and look it over again before closing up my office for the day.

Maybe you have an inkling of what happened.

After taking a break to walk Gracie-the-chocolate-labradoodle, I came back to my computer intending to return to my work-in-progress, but it was nowhere to be found. I had neglected to name it as soon as I opened up a new document, which if I had done so would have triggered auto-save. After a couple of hours of researching and attempting different ways of recovering the document, and spending way too much energy on frustration and self-criticism, I called it a day. I’d just have to start over.

Lesson learned. Name your shit early.

This, of course, applies to far more than document creation and the protection of our work. In every aspect of our lives, the quicker we take ownership for what is ours, the sooner we name our shit, the less energy we will have to spend on recovery and starting over.

Just Don't Do It

One of the best things I’ve heard in a long time…

Full Disclosure?

A therapist I worked with gave me some good advice at the end of one of our sessions. We had delved into some aspect of my life that day, resulting in new insights and a commitment to making some specific changes. It had been a powerful time, as it usually is when we decide to show up and do our inner work, and we were both pleased with what had transpired.

After getting another session on the calendar and writing her a check, as I was getting ready to walk out the door, I told her that I was looking forward to going home and sharing with my family what I had discovered, and what I planned to do differently as a result. Doing so felt like the courageous thing to do. Go Me!

Thinking that she would support my good intentions, I was caught off guard when she very firmly said, “Absolutely do not do that! Don’t talk about what you learned. Apply what you learned. Don’t tell them what you’re going to do. Show them what you did.”

She wasn’t saying never talk about it. Just don’t talk about it now. She wasn’t saying hide it from them. Just let them see it for themselves.

Sometimes talk is cheap, but doing the work is always priceless.

Tethering

There is a tool when raising a puppy or training a dog called tethering.

Tethering means that if you are with your dog and not actively training, or the dog is in their crate or some other assigned rest area, you and your dog are basically attached at the hip. Literally. You attach a leash around your waist, and clip it onto your dog’s collar. Where you go, the dog goes, training her to stay close, strengthening the bond between you and your dog, and allowing you to observe and respond to her behaviors appropriately. Rewarding what you want. Ignoring or correcting what you don’t.

Gracie, our 14 week old chocolate labradoodle and I are becoming increasingly comfortable with this tethering routine. She is relaxing into it, sticking closer sooner, and is starting to offer behaviors that get rewarded, and learning to avoid those that do not. Left to her own devices, without this practice, it would be easy for her to wander, ok, race, into territory where she could do harm to herself, her surroundings, and other dogs or people.

Standing at the counter with her calmly sitting by my side, it struck me that left to our own devices, untethered from our true self, and our values, beliefs, and priorities, we too can wander, ok, maybe race, into territory where we can do harm to ourselves, our surroundings, and other people.

In order to attach ourselves closely to our deepest values, beliefs, and priorities, we have to know who we are and what we care about, and then tether ourselves closely enough that when tempted to wander off course, we are pulled up short. The way I stay tethered to what matters is by declaring my bedrock beliefs. To trusted family, friends and colleagues, giving them permission to check me if they see me straining against the leash. On my website or at the beginning of a retreat, workshop, or keynote, I declare them publicly, compelling me to stay accountable to what I profess. When struggling to stay true to who I am, there are trusted professionals to help me do the inner work necessary to live into my truest self.

Gracie doesn’t always love tethering, but as I stay calm, solid and strong, she is learning to trust the bond being created by sticking close.

If Gracie can do it, so can we.

Hitting The Reset Button

“It’s never too late to be what you might have been.”

~ George Elliot

After a year of slow recovery and rehabbing from an injury, and taking my eye off the nutrition ball a little too much, it is time to reclaim the good habits that I’ve come to know support the kind of health, wellness, energy, and body I need for the life I want to live.

Today I hit the reset button.

Today I started the Whole30.

According to the founders, it is a “short-term nutrition reset, designed to help you put an end to unhealthy cravings and habits, restore a healthy metabolism, heal your digestive tract, and balance your immune system.”

In a nutshell, it means eliminating sugar of any kind, alcohol, grains, legumes, dairy, and all additives. I can, however, have coffee, which is the only thing that makes it possible. It may not work for everyone, and I’m not advocating it for anyone else, but it works for me.

Hitting the reset button is always an option, and not just for our health, but for our finances, marriages, friendships, family, education, work, mental, emotional, and spiritual health, not to mention our closets and garages.

If we’re honest with ourselves, we know when we’ve gotten off track, become immobilized, or have lost our way, and the sooner we hit the reset button, the sooner we can get on with living the life we want. The one we are called to live. The one that is authentic and wholehearted. The one that connects how we live with who we are at our core.

It’s never too late to hit the reset button.

Lessons From The Field

Nobody thought they’d make it into the playoffs, but as they have been known to do, the Seattle Seahawks defied the odds and did. After a disappointing loss last night to the Dallas Cowboys, in which they mostly got in their own way, (although kudos to the Cowboys for doing what it took to come out victorious) it is time to reflect on the season, and what we can learn from this team that I love.

It isn’t other people’s opinion that matters.

The team started the year by losing all four of their pre-season games, the first two of the regular season, and entering week 10, found themselves with a 4-5 record. The football world pretty much wrote them off, casting this as a “re-building” year, not a year in which anything special could happen. Au contraire said those inside the locker room overlooking Lake Washington. That something special, as articulated by head coach Pete Carrol, one of the classiest in the NFL, is “Without question, it’s this connection our guys have. Their willingness to keep going the extra step, the extra mile, whatever it takes to keep adding.” They always believe that something good is about to happen, regardless of the odds, minutes left on the clock, or the media chatter, and more times than not, something good does, even if it doesn’t show up on the scoreboard.

There’s a difference between winning and being victorious.

In his post game press conference, WR Doug Baldwin admitted to being frustrated, sad, and disappointed. Who wouldn’t be? However, his message as one of the leaders in the locker room is that if the players, individually and collectively, can learn from this disappointing end to the season and use that to get better, closer, and more committed, while they might not be victorious, they still won in the bigger picture. “The challenges are hard, and it’s difficult, but you should never be afraid of failure. Failure is what helps you grow. If you’re not growing, you’re staying stagnant. If you’re staying stagnant, you’re done.”

While it’s about football, it’s not about football.

No doubt about it, life in the NFL has a relatively short shelf life. Career ending injuries, the end of a contract, or getting cut from the team, if it’s only about what happens on the field, that’s not a great return on the investment these players have to make to be able to play in a game open only to an elite few. If they don’t come out the other side of their career as better men, as better human beings, they’ve left way too much on the field. Again, WR Doug Baldwin - “I think the best thing we will do from this point on moving forward is that we will take these lessons and learn from them and grow and be better, not only as football players, but as men. That is vastly more important.”

Build on the past and move forward.

That about sums it up in a nutshell. On or off the football field, the past serves as the foundation for what will happen next. The past is out of their hands, leaving them free to grab hold of the future, believing that something good is about to happen. That sounds like a good way to live.

Onward and upward.

Go Hawks!

Mirror Mirror

“Our deepest calling is to grow into our own authentic self-hood, whether or not it conforms to some image of who we ought to be. As we do so, we will not only find the joy that every human being seeks--we will also find our path of authentic service in the world.” 
― Parker Palmer

When we look in the mirror, who do we see?

Do we recognize the image looking back at us?

Does our outside match our inside?

If not, what do we need to do to uncover or reclaim our own authentic self-hood, so that we can walk our path of authentic service in the world?

It is our deepest calling.

Let’s answer it.

Write here…