Fishing On The Other Side of The Boat

It's Holy Week, which reminds me of an experience I had in church a number of years ago.  Settling into the pew, I looked up at the pulpit and saw that rather than our regular pastor, who was once hailed in USA Today as one of the Top 10 Sermon Givers in the country, stood a fellow parishioner who could have been voted most likely to be called "Milk-toast".  Needless to say I was not looking forward to what I could only imagine was going to be a bland, boring and timid message. Pulling out a pen and paper I decided to at least be productive while he droned on, and started a robust to-do list.  And then I got the nudge.  You know, that sacred inner voice?  It said, "put the pen down and listen up.  Now!" 

Mr. Milk Toast proceeded to kick my judgemental ass right off my smug little pedestal. He recounted the familiar story of a few of the disciples who went out to catch some fish. Theywere fishermen with lots of experience, and so loaded themselves and their nets into a boat and headed out. All night long they cast their nets off to the left side of the boat, and every time, the nets came up empty.  Exhausted at morning light, they were about to give up, when their Friend appeared on the shore.  He yelled at them to cast their nets off to the right side of the boat, the opposite of what they had done over and over and over.  I'm sure they thought it couldn't make any difference.  It was all the same water.  But, they gave it a go anyway....cast their nets off the opposite side of their boat.  The nets filled with so many fish they could barely haul it in. 

Same boat. 

Same fishermen. 

Same nets. 

Different side of the boat.  

Since most of us don't fish for a living, what does it mean to fish on the other side of our own boats? Ever since hearing that sermon, when I find myself stuck in a rut, heading for my familiar go-to reaction or beating the same drum only louder, I try to stop and ask myself: At this moment, in this place, in this situation, what would it mean for me to fish on the other side of my boat? And then I try, to the best of my ability, to do it. And then I usually catch some fish. And then I eat some humble pie for having been so stubborn about doing things my way... except that the humble pie tastes a lot like milk toast.  

Small Step(s) = Big Shift(s)

Close your eyes for a moment. 

Imagine yourself at the trailhead. (Hint: If you need a little help, open one eye and peek down at your feet. It's right there. The trailhead is always right there.) With your feet pointing straight ahead, think about your trajectory. Over time, if you keep heading in that direction where will you end up? If you are on track, heading where you want to go, then by all means keep on keeping on.

However, if your direction could use a bit of adjustment, you've drifted off course, or find yourself stuck in a familiar rut, imagine stepping your feet ever so slightly to the right or left so that they are pointing in a slightly different direction. You don't have to do an about face (unless you know that you actually do) or make a ninety-degree turn.  I'm talking just a smidge here. While this very small adjustment changes your trajectory in a very small way today, over time your path will gradually diverge from your current course, and that small step to the left or right will lead to a big shift in direction.

What is one small step, in a slightly different direction, that might shift your course to point you in the direction that is calling to you? 

Making Friends With The Truth*

"I get by with a little help from my friends."

The Beatles

The other day I was working with a client, listening as she shared an important next step she wanted to take in a meaningful area of her life. Her energy around where she wanted to go in this particular area and how she wanted to get there was palpable through the phone. She was excited, energized and clear about things. She had obviously ignited her inner fire. And then, without missing a beat, she began to rake herself over her own coals.  "But I never finish anything. I  have great ideas, but never end up completing them." The energy that had been fueling a new and meaningful flame was in danger of being put out by the fire-hose of self-criticism.  I could see it clearly because I've put out plenty of my own fires too. 

The truth is, she is a fire starter, and always will be.  

The truth is, she is not a fire tender, and never will be.  

Time to make friends with her truth. 

 "You should probably make friends with the fact that you are a starter, not a finisher." Her world counts on her to be the spark. To light the fire. To lead the charge. That is how she is wired. These are the gifts she offers the world. That being said, she would probably do well to strengthen her completion muscles so that she can flex them when necessary. Together we came up with some steps that would help her in finishing, so that she could get on to more starting. 

Making friends with the truth is the opposite of wasting time and energy wishing things were different. In fact, it is the most direct route to where we want to go. About seven years ago my husband and I took the big step of building a rustic home in the mountains. Our vision began a few years earlier over a glass of wine, as a drawing on a cocktail napkin. Our drawing depicted a rustic cabin in the mountains and we couldn't wait to be sitting in front of the fire "there". Somehow the cocktail napkin vision turned into a dinner size napkin home more akin to a lodge than a cabin. I love our home, and I wish it were paid off.  I'd do it all over again, but I wish we hadn't taken on quiet such a hefty mortgage at this stage of our lives. But the truth of the matter is, we did. Living in the land of the wishing, makes it harder to inhabit the land of the living. So, I've decided to make friends with the fact that we still live in a lodge owned by our lender, setting me free (since that is what the truth does) to get on with the work that will take it off their hands.

Making friends with the truth isn't about giving up or giving in.  It is about  getting on with it!  And doing so with the clearest possible view of the trail ahead. My nephew coaches for the Seattle Seahawks. So yes, win or lose, I am a rabid fan. As a team they have a practice called "Tell-the truth Monday", an all team meeting where the previous game is scrutinized, and everyone has the chance to tell the truth about their part in the game and its outcome. What they did well, and what they didn't.  What they learned, and what they will do in the next game as a result.  

Making friends with the truth empowers us to take hold of the keys to our own kingdom, rather than be a servant to it. With truth on our side we take ownership of life, instead of falling victim to it. I live in the Pacific Northwest, as do many of my nearest and dearest. Someday, probably sooner rather than later, we are going to be hit with the "The Really Big One."  Cascadia, as it is known, is the magnitude-9 earthquake that will rock the world of about 7 million people in Oregon and Washington, and is expected to be the worst disaster in the history of North America. Now there is an inconvenient truth for you. Time for all who live here to make a new friend. And fast! My husband is a scientist and usually does a better job of making friends with the truth, since he has spent most of his life uncovering it. He reminds us that the best thing we can do is learn all we can about our "friend" Cascadia, and prepare ourselves and our homes to meet her if and when she comes to call.  Friendship with the truth helps us worry less and live more.

Denial is a fair-weather friend who will run for cover at the first tremor, leaving us to fend for our unprepared selves.  

Truth on the other hand, is always ready to brave the elements and clear our trail of the debris of delusion, excuses and blame. 

What truth is extending the hand of friendship in your direction?  

*With thanks to my sister Margie who first shared with me the phrase "Making friends with the truth".  And to Kristine Van Raden for banging her hands together to bring this truth home in a new way.   Read more on this thought by visiting: http://themattersthatmatter.com/2015/04/15/this-and-that/

 

Begin With The End In Mind

No matter what it is, ending well matters. 

Whether a much needed vacation, retirement from a meaningful career, ending a relationship, navigating a courageous conversation, saying goodbye to a parent, or the last line in your manuscript, ending well there starts right here. By now we have hopefully learned that absolute control over anything is...well..a joke. However, mindful consideration of a desired outcome can help us better order our steps from here to there.  But while we can work mightily to achieve a goal, make things go our way, craft a specific outcome, influence another person, or take all the right steps, there will always be an element of "it's a crap shoot". If we focus solely on exactly how we would like things to turn out, we've missed the deeper issue. What matters even more than how it turns out, is who we are in that moment. The essence of beginning with the end in mind can be summed up in one question: When the end of whatever "it" is comes, who do we want to be? 

Examples of endings are everywhere. Some that end well, and others, not so much. Whether you are an NFL fan or not, this years Super Bowl is a prime example. The Carolina Panthers, led by their talented, brash young quarterback Cam Newton, were the hands-down favorite. Expected by everyone, including themselves, to win. They didn't.  By a long shot.  An hour after the game, Cam Newton stepped in front of the microphone as the leader of his team, to fulfill his media obligation.  Hoodie pulled low over his face, he sat in a chair, eyes down, gave short sullen answers until getting up and walking out mid-interview. Did he want to win?  Of course!  Why else would he play the game?  Had he given thought to who he wanted to be, win or lose?  Apparently not.  Compare that to last years Super Bowl when the Seattle Seahawks, led by their talented, humble young quarterback Russell Wilson, experienced an even more devastating loss.  Expected by many, including themselves to win, they didn't. Within seconds of winning the game, with that ill-fated, still debated call.... they lost.  An hour later Russell Wilson stepped in front of the microphone as the leader of his team, to fulfill his media obligation.  Suit and tie, he stood, faced the camera, expressed appreciation for his teammates, took responsibility for the loss, and praised the winning team. Did he want to win?  Yes!  Why else would he play the game? Had he given thought to who he wanted to be win or lose?  Apparently so.

One of the greatest lessons in ending well came for me personally when my mom passed away.  Her name was Ashby, and the word that best describes who she was and how she walked through the world is 'grace'. There was nothing Asbhy loved more than what she liked to call a "good visit".  Whenever you showed up on her doorstep, announced or not, whatever the task at hand was set aside and replaced with a cup of tea, served in her best china.  She was short on advice and long on understanding. She loved by listening. The last week of her life we brought her back from the hospital to the home she loved and tucked her into the bed she still shared with my dad.  Every day was filled with her grace, along with a constant stream of friends and family who came by for one more good visit. They would sit on her bed and talk to her, sing to her, laugh and cry with her. No longer able to speak, she did what she did best.  She loved by listening. After she was gone, I realized that I had been given the opportunity to stand at the end of her life, and look back on my own. From that vantage point I understood that ending her life with grace wasn't the result of some grand decision, but rather is an accumulation of choices. That realization reminds me of a quote from Mr. Carson, the butler of Downton Abbey.  "The business of life is the accumulation of memories.  In the end, that's all we have."  The way in which we end things is either the accumulation of a memory or a regret.  To gather more memories, begin with the end in mind.

What endings are on your radar screen? When the end of whatever "it" is comes, who do you want to be? What would ending well in those situations mean? Now is when ending well starts. Here is where it begins. This present moment is what you have to work with.

Also published on Matters That Matter