Making Friends With The Truth*

"I get by with a little help from my friends."

The Beatles

The other day I was working with a client, listening as she shared an important next step she wanted to take in a meaningful area of her life. Her energy around where she wanted to go in this particular area and how she wanted to get there was palpable through the phone. She was excited, energized and clear about things. She had obviously ignited her inner fire. And then, without missing a beat, she began to rake herself over her own coals.  "But I never finish anything. I  have great ideas, but never end up completing them." The energy that had been fueling a new and meaningful flame was in danger of being put out by the fire-hose of self-criticism.  I could see it clearly because I've put out plenty of my own fires too. 

The truth is, she is a fire starter, and always will be.  

The truth is, she is not a fire tender, and never will be.  

Time to make friends with her truth. 

 "You should probably make friends with the fact that you are a starter, not a finisher." Her world counts on her to be the spark. To light the fire. To lead the charge. That is how she is wired. These are the gifts she offers the world. That being said, she would probably do well to strengthen her completion muscles so that she can flex them when necessary. Together we came up with some steps that would help her in finishing, so that she could get on to more starting. 

Making friends with the truth is the opposite of wasting time and energy wishing things were different. In fact, it is the most direct route to where we want to go. About seven years ago my husband and I took the big step of building a rustic home in the mountains. Our vision began a few years earlier over a glass of wine, as a drawing on a cocktail napkin. Our drawing depicted a rustic cabin in the mountains and we couldn't wait to be sitting in front of the fire "there". Somehow the cocktail napkin vision turned into a dinner size napkin home more akin to a lodge than a cabin. I love our home, and I wish it were paid off.  I'd do it all over again, but I wish we hadn't taken on quiet such a hefty mortgage at this stage of our lives. But the truth of the matter is, we did. Living in the land of the wishing, makes it harder to inhabit the land of the living. So, I've decided to make friends with the fact that we still live in a lodge owned by our lender, setting me free (since that is what the truth does) to get on with the work that will take it off their hands.

Making friends with the truth isn't about giving up or giving in.  It is about  getting on with it!  And doing so with the clearest possible view of the trail ahead. My nephew coaches for the Seattle Seahawks. So yes, win or lose, I am a rabid fan. As a team they have a practice called "Tell-the truth Monday", an all team meeting where the previous game is scrutinized, and everyone has the chance to tell the truth about their part in the game and its outcome. What they did well, and what they didn't.  What they learned, and what they will do in the next game as a result.  

Making friends with the truth empowers us to take hold of the keys to our own kingdom, rather than be a servant to it. With truth on our side we take ownership of life, instead of falling victim to it. I live in the Pacific Northwest, as do many of my nearest and dearest. Someday, probably sooner rather than later, we are going to be hit with the "The Really Big One."  Cascadia, as it is known, is the magnitude-9 earthquake that will rock the world of about 7 million people in Oregon and Washington, and is expected to be the worst disaster in the history of North America. Now there is an inconvenient truth for you. Time for all who live here to make a new friend. And fast! My husband is a scientist and usually does a better job of making friends with the truth, since he has spent most of his life uncovering it. He reminds us that the best thing we can do is learn all we can about our "friend" Cascadia, and prepare ourselves and our homes to meet her if and when she comes to call.  Friendship with the truth helps us worry less and live more.

Denial is a fair-weather friend who will run for cover at the first tremor, leaving us to fend for our unprepared selves.  

Truth on the other hand, is always ready to brave the elements and clear our trail of the debris of delusion, excuses and blame. 

What truth is extending the hand of friendship in your direction?  

*With thanks to my sister Margie who first shared with me the phrase "Making friends with the truth".  And to Kristine Van Raden for banging her hands together to bring this truth home in a new way.   Read more on this thought by visiting: http://themattersthatmatter.com/2015/04/15/this-and-that/

 

Begin With The End In Mind

No matter what it is, ending well matters. 

Whether a much needed vacation, retirement from a meaningful career, ending a relationship, navigating a courageous conversation, saying goodbye to a parent, or the last line in your manuscript, ending well there starts right here. By now we have hopefully learned that absolute control over anything is...well..a joke. However, mindful consideration of a desired outcome can help us better order our steps from here to there.  But while we can work mightily to achieve a goal, make things go our way, craft a specific outcome, influence another person, or take all the right steps, there will always be an element of "it's a crap shoot". If we focus solely on exactly how we would like things to turn out, we've missed the deeper issue. What matters even more than how it turns out, is who we are in that moment. The essence of beginning with the end in mind can be summed up in one question: When the end of whatever "it" is comes, who do we want to be? 

Examples of endings are everywhere. Some that end well, and others, not so much. Whether you are an NFL fan or not, this years Super Bowl is a prime example. The Carolina Panthers, led by their talented, brash young quarterback Cam Newton, were the hands-down favorite. Expected by everyone, including themselves, to win. They didn't.  By a long shot.  An hour after the game, Cam Newton stepped in front of the microphone as the leader of his team, to fulfill his media obligation.  Hoodie pulled low over his face, he sat in a chair, eyes down, gave short sullen answers until getting up and walking out mid-interview. Did he want to win?  Of course!  Why else would he play the game?  Had he given thought to who he wanted to be, win or lose?  Apparently not.  Compare that to last years Super Bowl when the Seattle Seahawks, led by their talented, humble young quarterback Russell Wilson, experienced an even more devastating loss.  Expected by many, including themselves to win, they didn't. Within seconds of winning the game, with that ill-fated, still debated call.... they lost.  An hour later Russell Wilson stepped in front of the microphone as the leader of his team, to fulfill his media obligation.  Suit and tie, he stood, faced the camera, expressed appreciation for his teammates, took responsibility for the loss, and praised the winning team. Did he want to win?  Yes!  Why else would he play the game? Had he given thought to who he wanted to be win or lose?  Apparently so.

One of the greatest lessons in ending well came for me personally when my mom passed away.  Her name was Ashby, and the word that best describes who she was and how she walked through the world is 'grace'. There was nothing Asbhy loved more than what she liked to call a "good visit".  Whenever you showed up on her doorstep, announced or not, whatever the task at hand was set aside and replaced with a cup of tea, served in her best china.  She was short on advice and long on understanding. She loved by listening. The last week of her life we brought her back from the hospital to the home she loved and tucked her into the bed she still shared with my dad.  Every day was filled with her grace, along with a constant stream of friends and family who came by for one more good visit. They would sit on her bed and talk to her, sing to her, laugh and cry with her. No longer able to speak, she did what she did best.  She loved by listening. After she was gone, I realized that I had been given the opportunity to stand at the end of her life, and look back on my own. From that vantage point I understood that ending her life with grace wasn't the result of some grand decision, but rather is an accumulation of choices. That realization reminds me of a quote from Mr. Carson, the butler of Downton Abbey.  "The business of life is the accumulation of memories.  In the end, that's all we have."  The way in which we end things is either the accumulation of a memory or a regret.  To gather more memories, begin with the end in mind.

What endings are on your radar screen? When the end of whatever "it" is comes, who do you want to be? What would ending well in those situations mean? Now is when ending well starts. Here is where it begins. This present moment is what you have to work with.

Also published on Matters That Matter 

In Honor of President's Day

Who voted for you?

Today is President's Day.  Smack dab in the middle of the campaign season leading up to election day, November 8, 2016, if you are like me, the days between now and then are painful.  Painfully slow.  Painful to watch.  Painful to listen to the gaggle of candidates campaign for our votes.  This election cycle, perhaps more than ever before, it is so easy for me to look at them and criticize and find fault; with their platform, their flip-flops, their promises... not to mention their hair. It is so easy to judge, and let's be honest here, it is also wickedly fun and self-satisfying...to make fun of them.  So easy in fact that it's easy to forget that I am always in the midst of my own campaign season.  We all are.

The Platform

Our platform is our declaration of who we are and what we stand for.  It is the basis from which we operate.  It is where the rubber meets our road.  Our platform connects who we are with what we do and how we do it.  Votes are earned when our words are seen in action, reflecting who we are and what we care about.

Flip-Flopping

Flip-flopping has unfairly earned a bad name.  It all depends on a flip of that coin. HEADS: We adjust our stance because we've learned something new, seen the issue in a different light, stood in someone else's shoes, realized we only had part of the information.  This side of the coin says we are open to new ideas, willing to stay in the conversation, able to acknowledge our mistakes.  This side of the coin earns the best kind of vote.  TAILS: We change our position to be accepted, to win more votes, to lose as little as possible, to look good, to avoid taking a courageous stand for what we believe, to play it safe.  But playing this side of the coin is a dangerous game, as it might earn us a vote in the short term, but only at the steep price of lost trust over the long haul.

The Promises

These are the things we put our good name behind should we earn your vote.  This is what we've committed to.  These are our marching orders once elected.  This is what you can count on us for. A campaign promise kept is a deposit in our trust account, a down-payment for a future project, a security deposit against possible damage.  A promise kept earns a future vote.  A broken promise loses the vote we have. 

Over the years many people have cast their vote for me, and a lot more will before it's all over.  When people choose us they are casting their vote, checking the box with our name next to it.  They choose us as a friend, a life partner, a team leader, a trusted colleague, a keynote speaker, a painter, doctor.  They choose to read our book, eat at our restaurant, watch our movie, buy our artwork.  They make a choice to listen to our perspective, share their fears with us, expose their weaknesses and allow us to see their dreams-still-in-the-making.  They vote for us based on our campaign.

What is your platform?

Which side of the coin are you playing?

What have you promised?