Elder + Connector + Writer
Without trying to ruin your day, we’re all going die. From the moment we enter the world we are already on our way out, so the sooner we make friends with our own death, the sooner we can befriend the life that is ours to live.
Death is not the enemy. It is the unlived life that is.
We never stop growing up. At least I don’t. Even with 65 years behind me, I still encounter parts of myself, on an almost daily basis, that need to grow beyond lingering childish behaviors and ways of reacting to the world, and relating to the people around me. Especially to those who matter the most to me.
Growing up means not taking myself so seriously.
Growing up means seeing that I am but a small part in a very, very, very big picture.
Growing up means owning my life. All of it.
Growing up means learning that it’s not all about me. In fact, it’s hardly about me at all.
Growing up means leaving behind ways of responding to the world that might have kept me safe in the past, but that now keep me stuck in old patterns and habits.
Growing up means not getting what I want at the expense of others.
Growing up means not taking everything personally.
Growing up means letting go of the past and heading out into an unknown future.
Growing up means taking full ownership for myself and how I respond to the people in my life and the circumstances life brings my way.
Growing up means digging deep when I’d rather give up.
Growing up isn’t for the faint of heart, because in the end it means taking my own hand and stepping out onto the trail ahead.
Some mornings we start our days with steel cut oats topped with fruit, almond milk, some nuts, and a little butter and brown sugar for good measure. Each ingredient adds to the whole, but can stand alone on its own. Even the butter. It’s delicious and we both love it. Tom however, chooses to ruin his by stirring it all up together into something I call “glop”. I love oatmeal. I hate glop. It is hard to distinguish one flavor from the other, and it’s not much to look at either.
Stick with me here, but a bowl of glop is a lot like how we can handle interpersonal challenges, especially in our long term relationships. We stir everything up together until it is almost impossible to tell one situation or issue from other ones.
Stirring everything together sounds something like this: You always… You never… This is just like when you… All the ingredients of the current issue get glopped together with a bunch of other ones, until every bite tastes the same, and it is nearly impossible to tell this from that.
Not stirring everything together sounds like this:This morning when you___ I felt… When you didn’t follow through on your commitment, this is how it impacted me. I want to talk to you about something that happened recently. Each issue or situation stands on its own.
Learning to take our issues one at a time and separate one from the other is one of the ways we grow up into the people we are meant to be (a lifelong process). It’s hard work. It means we have to take things as they come, deal with them as they come, and stay in the conversation about them. Some conversations are a one-and-done deal. Others come around again, and again, and again, each time an opportunity to show up more fully and with more personal accountability and ownership for our part of the bargain. And there is always a part of the bargain that is ours.
In my unhealthier moments, I can take a current issue, conflict, or challenging situation, and stir it up with a whole bunch of other ones from the past. Or take one thing and make it about everything. But as I choose to stop, sift through the emotions and particulars of the situation, I am learning to separate this from that, and bring this to the conversation, and leave that out.
Take it from me. It tastes really good.
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We want to be equipped for whatever comes our way.
Sometimes we are.
Sometimes we aren’t.
Whenever we come to the edge of our capacity, we have the choice to retreat back into our safe arenas, or step out into the risky territory that spans the gap between who we are now and who we want to become. It is there, and only there, that we are challenged to show up more fully, and bring more of who we are to our relationships, conversations, and the world around us.
It isn’t easy and it’s scary as hell to risk new ways of being in the world, but it is the only way I know of to become more well equipped for the life I am here to live.
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“Consider this: the only person you’re guaranteed to be with every day of your life is you.”
When I read this sentence, it landed as true. And if it’s true, then we’d best get on with becoming the kind of person we’d like to hang out with.
From the moment we arrive on the planet, we are meant to be at home in our own hearts, and yet we often wander far and wide in search of what has always been right here.
We look outside of ourselves for love and belonging, rather than remembering to love and belong to ourselves.
We look to others to do for us what we are meant to do for ourselves.
We look to our work to give our lives meaning rather than bringing our lives to our work in a meaningful way.
The only path home brings us full circle back to ourselves.
Welcome home.
The good news is that we have arrived to this day carrying all of our stories with us.
The bad news is that we have arrived to this day carrying all of our stories with us.
The good news is that we can choose to set down the stories that no longer serve us.
The bad news is that we don’t always do that.
The good news is that we can choose to write new stories.
The bad news is that we don’t always do that.
The good news is that we get to choose what kind of news we want.
Find your voice.
Trust your voice.
Use your voice.
Repeat.
Have you ever put on someone else’s eyeglasses by mistake? Or grabbed an old pair of your own and realized that the lenses through which you see the world today aren’t the same as they were a few years ago?It is so easy to forget that we all see the world differently, and that our own view changes over time as well. When we take the time to understand one another’s perspectives, it goes a long way toward creating better communication, deeper connection, and greater compassion.
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There is a simple fire safety technique called Stop, Drop, and Roll, that is meant to prevent further injury if our clothing ever catches fire. This technique is meant to extinguish the fire by depriving it of the oxygen which fuels it. Most of us probably remember practicing this when we were little kids, and while we hopefully haven’t had to actually put it to use, if we ever did, or do, we will know how to protect ourselves..
Emotions can be a lot like fire. A sudden small spark, if given enough air, can burst into flame and engulf us before we know it. Different emotions enflame different people. One of mine is a sudden inner rage, and while yours might be something different, what they have in common is the need for something to keep them going. We stoke our fire with the stories we tell ourselves in its presence, and without a technique to extinguish it, we continue to fan the flame into a roaring fire that will not only burn us, but can endanger those around us as well.
When it comes to our fiery emotions, maybe we can take a lesson from those three steps we learned in school The next time we feel that first spark of anger, fear, shame, resentment, guilt, anxiety, hatred, or fill-in-your-own-blank, let’s Stop, Sit, and Notice. Literally.
Stop whatever we are doing. The simple act of stopping will slow the fire down.
Sit down on the ground, a chair, our bed, the kitchen counter, or on the floor of our own mind. The simple act of sitting will give us a new vantage point from which to see.
Notice what we notice. The simple act of noticing will give us a chance to name what we see.
With practice, we can learn to catch ourselves sooner.
With practice we can learn what fuels the fire that threatens injury to us, those we love, and the world around us.
With practice we can learn instead to tend the fire that fuels us, our work, and the world within reach of its warmth.
Stop.
Sit.
Notice.
With gratitude for the wisdom of my sister Margie, and my spiritual director, Dane Anthony.
MOLLY DAVIS is the founder of Trailhead Coaching & Consulting. She writes about lessons and adventures from the trail, and knows from firsthand experience that sometimes the only way to discover where you want to be, is to get lost where you don't. If you enjoyed this post, please feel free to pass it along.
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