25 Years And Counting

August 27, 1994

Yesterday we celebrated our 25th anniversary. I never knew love could be this big, or life this good, which is not to say that it has been smooth sailing or easy going. Far from it. It has however been worth every single minute that we’ve spent learning to create the life we share. Like most things, we’ve learned as much by what we got wrong (plenty) as by what we got right (thankfully plenty here as well it seems), and in honor of each of those years, and in no particular order, here is what my geologist and I came up with…

1. Love by listening.

2. Assume good intent.

3. Do your work and expect them to do the same

4. Don’t do their work for them and don’t expect them to do yours for you.

5. Play together.

6. Learn to laugh at yourself and with one another.

7. Talk about it, no matter what.

8. Learn to speak one another’s love languages.

9. Get a therapist.

10. Create at least one daily ritual that connects you.

11. Be active together.

12. Own up to what’s yours in real time.

13. Go on adventures.

14. Stay curious.

15. Be authentic.

16. Tell the truth even when it’s hard…especially when it’s hard.

17. Be courageous enough to be vulnerable.

18. Make your relationship the priority and move out from there.

19. Have the conversations that you don’t want to have.

20. Cook together.

21. Create lives of your own that strengthen the one you share.

22. Set boundaries that protect your relationship.

23. Identify and learn about each other’s enneagram numbers - really!

24. Love generously.

25. And because it bears repeating…do your work and expect them to do theirs.

I can’t wait to discover what we’ll learn over the next 25…

The Good Stuff

The truth of the matter is that we want to share life with people who bring out the best in us. They are the ones who believe in us, encourage us to show up fully, shine lights into our blind spots, and see in us what we can’t see for ourselves.

Some further and rather inconvenient truth about the matter, is that the only people who bring out the best in us are also those who see the worst in us. When we fail—sometimes miserably—in front of each other, it is a chance to practice staying in when it would be easier to step out, moving toward each other rather than away, and staying in the conversation rather than shutting down. Even when it’s hard. Especially when it’s hard.

Some even further truth of the matter is that it’s hard stuff, this becoming our best selves, and we can’t do it alone. Find your people, stick together, call each other out, and cheer each other on, because while it may be the hard stuff, it’s all the good stuff.

With deep gratitude to all who help me be my best self…you know who you are.

The Game Plan

Every year we have an annual family gathering at our home at the base of Mt. Adams. Known affectionately as Rodeo Weekend, it takes place over the Father’s Day weekend, and is anchored by the Glenwood Ketchum Kaff Rodeo. On the professional rodeo circuit, this event is a big deal for our little town, as is this big yearly get-together for our not-so-little family. From the babies to the elders, for three days we all come together and navigate the dynamics du jour including sleeping arrangements, nap schedules, food and drink, KP duty, conversations, relationship patterns, political and personality differences, and deeply shared values and convictions. It is our favorite weekend of the year, we wouldn’t miss it, it just keeps getting better, and, as happens in families, such times have the potential to bring out the best, and of course, the not-so-best in any of us.

Cue the Game Plan.

In professional football, to prepare for each new game a specific plan is created. This game plan serves to leverage strengths, mitigate for known liabilities, protect against injury, and achieve a successful outcome. Along with the right strategies, a good game plan includes ongoing communication, clarification, and adjustment, and when all is said and done, the team comes out stronger, wiser, and more connected. Family gatherings are no different.

Cue the Game Plan.

We all come together carrying with us our strengths and weaknesses, and uniformed in our endearing qualities and irritating quirks. Old dynamics find new circumstances in which to play out, and there is unlimited potential for the deepening or damaging of relationships.

Cue the Game Plan.

This year, along with three new babies and another year full of individual and shared triumphs, trials, and tragedies, into the mix comes Gracie-the-chocolate-labraodoodle. Tom and I only mildly jokingly refer to her as our Therapy Dog because she continues to shine a light on the areas of our relationship that still need tweaking. In order to come out the other side of Rodeo Weekend even more in love than we are now, will require that we up our game even more when it comes to how to handle Gracie in the midst of the wonderful family mayhem. Her challenge is to find her inner-calm when around people and other dogs, but left to her own devices she will whip herself up into a happy-but-hot mess every time. Not a successful outcome. When it comes to helping her in that arena, we don’t always see it quite the same way.

Cue the Game Plan.

We haven’t come up with it yet, but it is in the works, and will mean coming up with a strategy that we agree on in both principle and practice. Easy to say ahead of time, hard to do in real time. Our game plan will serve to leverage our strengths, mitigate for our liabilities, protect our relationship from injury, and achieve a successful outcome. It will take ongoing communication, clarification, and adjustments along the way, and if we play it right, when all is said and done, because of a good game plan, we will come out stronger, wiser, and more connected.

When preparing for a football game or a family gathering, ending up with a successful outcome begins with a good game plan.

Rodeo Weekend 2019?

Game on!

The Garage Day 2

When it comes to cleaning, clearing, and organizing a garage, like many things in life, it’s different strokes for different folks. I’m a tosser, he’s a saver, and with those two facts in play, as you can imagine, this project could stir up a little emotional stuff for the two of us. However, if we’ve learned anything in our 25 years together, it is that while we couldn’t be much more different, our commitment to one another is the same. So this morning, before setting one foot in the garage, we sat down with our coffee, and along with my sister and her husband who are here to help, had a conversation about what we wanted to be true at the end of this daunting project. Yes, by the end of the week we want to have made major progress. Yes, by the end of the week we want to have hauled away as many truck loads as possible. Yes, by the end of the week we want to have created a much more organized and clean space in which to start using the garage for the purpose it was originally built. And, yes, and most importantly, by the end of the week the four of us want to have all laughed together, had fun together, and be even more grateful for one another.

When it comes to cleaning, clearing, and organizing a garage, like many things in life, the project isn’t the real project. What matters in the end is how we conducted ourselves in the midst of the project. What matters in the end is how we related to one another in the midst of the project. What matters in the end is whether or not we are better people, both individually and collectively, because of the project. That can only happen when we realize that the project isn’t the real project. It is just a vehicle to become even more of the authentic and wholehearted people we are called to be.

Stay tuned.

The Backup Generator

We had a scheduled power outage today so that the utility company could bring power to a new business in our little town. If you live in a rural area like we do, along with good-hearted neighbors and wildlife sightings, one thing you can count on is the occurrence of power outages, scheduled or not. We have a backup generator in our garage for just such events, and because we knew this one was coming, we were ready. Or at least so we thought.

Before leaving the house to report for jury duty, my husband Tom powered up the generator for me so that it was up and running and I could get on with my day. While I have started it before, I’m still not very comfortable with the process, even though in my camo jacket and muck boots I look like I should be a pro at it. However, even I knew that the noises coming from the generator didn’t sound quite right, and sure enough, it sputtered and stopped. Everything went quiet and dark, and suddenly the day I had planned got unplugged.

No internet.

No phone.

No computer.

And of course, no hot water.

Thinking the propane tank might be empty, I tried to unhook it from the generator, but to no avail. Loading the extra tank into the car I drove to town where a friend who works at the gas station filled it up for me. Enlisting the help of another friend, we drove back to the house and he hooked up the new tank and started the generator. It sputtered and went out again. Poking around he tried a few other things and was able to get it up and running again, although was doubtful that it would keep going. It might be a spark plug issue. We’d look into that.

Thanking him, off he drove and I headed into the house to accomplish what I could until the generator stopped again, which it did. The power was scheduled to go back on again in a few hours anyway, so I turned my attention to things that don’t require electricity. It was quiet and actually kind of a nice forced break from emails, phone calls, bill paying, and it’s always a good day to skip a shower. However, all of this got me thinking about the importance of being prepared for the next power outage. Obviously we need to get the generator in the garage repaired so that can power up and sustain life in the house when we need it. When the temperature plummets in the winter, or a windstorm takes out a transformer, we rely on that generator to shore us up.

When it comes to our lives, having a backup generator is essential too. There are times for all of us when we experience a power outage. When the supply of the inner resources we’ve come to count on can’t keep up with the demand. Some we can plan for, like the holiday season, moving to a new home, or a big project at work. But others happen in the blink of an eye when an unexpected diagnosis comes back, we are hit with a tidal wave of grief, or life as we know it suddenly falls apart. Regardless of the cause of the outage, our backup generators need to be in place and in good working order, and of course, we need to know how to power them up.

People and practices make up my backup generator, and perhaps they do for you as well. For me that means tending to those relationships that matter, addressing issues as they arise, making sure that there is a balance of give and take, and always working to deepen trust and respect. It means nourishing myself well — body and soul, learning to say no to what is not mine to do, asking for help, and staying connected to the Power Source behind everything. 

To all of you who keep me going when my power goes out. Thank you. 

To all of you who rely on me to keep you going when your power goes out. Thank you.  

Oh, and note to self: If you’re going to dress like you know your way around a generator, you damn well better! 

Take It To The Bank

In an interest bearing account, interest is accrued over time. The sooner one begins putting money in, the more they put in, and the longer they leave it there, the more interest will accumulate, thus increasing the value of that account.

It isn’t a stretch to say that the same is true when it comes to investing in our own emotional health and wellbeing. The sooner we get to it, the more we put into it, and the longer we keep at it, the more we stand to gain, and we aren’t the only ones who will benefit from our efforts. All those with whom we are in relationship stand to reap the rewards as well. The sooner we get started, the less others will have to pay for our mistakes. The sooner we take ourselves on, the less likely we are to take our stuff out on others. Especially on those who matter the most.

Just as there are a variety of financial investment tools and strategies from which to choose, there are different options and strategies available to help us grow and thrive emotionally. It all starts with a commitment to do the work. To invest. To fund. To understand. To keep at it. To educate ourselves. To seek professional help. To sacrifice now for long term gain.

It all boils down to this…

When it comes to financial health, either we choose to invest or not.

When it comes to emotional health, either we choose to invest or not.

When we do, it’s always pays off.

You can take that to the bank.

Being A Better Human Being

Every day there are so many opportunities to practice being a better human being. Or at least there are for me. Most of the time those opportunities come in the form of other human beings. Take today for instance. Thanks to my interactions with others, I’ve had the chance to apologize, circle back, gain clarity, have a go at a better conversation, listen more deeply, bear witness to pain, express appreciation, catch myself before really making a mess of things, not catch myself and have to clean up the mess, and last but not least, have a good laugh at myself for how far I still have to go.

Such life lessons don’t happen in a vacuum. They only happen when we are in relationship with others. Sometimes those others push our buttons, and bingo, there is another chance to practice being a better human being. Other times we push their buttons, and bingo. Another chance to practice being a better human being. When they hold up a mirror for us to see when we aren’t being a better human being, bingo… I think you catch my drift.

As we all know, or should know by now, when things are good, it usually has a lot to do with people and relationships. When things go bad, it usually has a lot to do with people and relationships. And of course, when things get ugly, it usually has a lot to do with people and relationships. One thing I know for sure is that I want to help tip the scales for the good, rather than the bad or the ugly. Lucky for me, every day is filled with new opportunities to practice.

Where’s My Towel?

This morning at my sister’s house, I stuck my head into the guest bathroom where I thought my husband Tom had already taken his shower, grabbed the unused bath towel on the rack, and headed to the other bathroom to take my own shower.  

I needed a towel.  

The towel was there.

Problem solved.

An hour later as we were packing up our things to load into the car Tom said So I was pretty resourceful this morning, don’t you think? From the quizzical look on my face he must have realized I wasn’t tracking with him. I got out of the shower only to find out that my towel was gone and had to make do with the hand towel. All I could do was laugh and think ‘that’s my girl’. 

Sometimes love just smacks you up side the head. 

When It Comes Right Down To It

Today I dropped Gracie-the-chocolate-labradoodle off at NWBDogs for a week while we are out of town. This is the third time we have boarded her there, and while it gave me great peace of mind to leave her in such capable hands, she was beside herself with excitement. She was a quivering puddle of anticipation, and would have launched herself out the window if it had been open an inch or two more. Gracie is one smart girl. In her short little life she has already figured out that when it comes right down to it, it is all about relationships. Her time there in the past has been everything a pup could wish for. She know’s what to expect, and has learned that when she is there she will be consistently treated with respect, care, and concern for her wellbeing. She trusts that she will be well cared for, and so do we. I wouldn’t think of trusting her to anyone else.

Today I dropped my car off at Hosley Eco Auto, the shop we have been taking our cars to for over 30 years. While I may not quiver with excitement at the thought of dropping a few bucks on my car, it gave me great peace of mind to leave my car in such capable hands. Like Gracie, we long ago figured out that when it comes right down to it, it is all about relationships. Our experiences in the past have been everything a car owner could wish for. We know what to expect, and have learned that we will consistently be treated with respect, care, and concern, as will our cars. We wouldn’t think of trusting them to anyone else.

Today was a reminder that relationships are built or broken by the ways in which we treat one another, the consistency with which we show up, and every interaction matters. Take it from Gracie. When it comes right down to it, it is all about relationships.

Connection

Recently we were given the book reconnect by Steve D. Call, PhD, and I highly recommend it. While there are many points I could highlight here, I will share just one in the hopes that it will pique your interest to learn more. If it does, grab a copy for yourself.

Very , very simply put, relationships are in one of the following states:

connection

disconnection

reconnection

Think about it. Everything is going along swimmingly, and then bam, because of a comment, conflict, misunderstanding, or we just get out of sorts because we’re tired, hungry, or stressed, we suddenly move from connection to disconnection. At that point, the invitation is always to move towards reconnection. In my experience, this happens on both the micro and macro level, and if we accept the invitation to move towards reconnection on the smaller, daily stage, it can go a long way towards avoiding finding ourselves on the big long term stage.

My husband and I are finding it good food for thought to go with our morning coffee. Maybe you will too.